The Thoughts of a Type A, Over Analyzer

Meeting the Traveling Executive

2012-02-23T21:36:00.003-08:00

I've been itching to go somewhere tropical these days..

Okay I've been horrible with updating my blog for the past 2 months. I think there was just too much going on, with the internship, school, the American, and everything else. It was busy and hectic, but I always prefer that. So what's been happening in terms of my dating life?

1. For the past month, my relationship with the American has been tumultuous and difficult. The possible job offer in Chicago put a huge strain on our already shaky relationship. I finally told him that I wanted to end things between us, but we could still see each other as friends (and sometimes friends with benefits-- unhealthy I know). He was upset that I wanted that because I was essentially breaking up with him a second time now, but a relationship just wasn't working between us and I thought that since he might be leaving soon, it was better to end things. But just yesterday, after he flew back from his interview, he found out he didn't get the job. It was definitely a shock to the both of us because it seemed like such a sure thing. I feel bad for him, because I know how badly he wanted that job. But, I also can't see him right now because just the day before we had a big fight. I'll go into details in another post, but essentially I felt slightly pressured by him that night, and the thought of seeing him actually repulses me right now. He apologized the day after but I told him that I just can't see him right now and that we should probably take a couple weeks break. Which he agreed to.

2. So given all this, you'd think that I'd just stay off dating for a little while.. But, I've been back to online dating again! Is it "wrong" to move on so quickly? Maybe. But I know that I feel ready to move on even if I still have some loose ends to tie up with the American. More importantly, I know that I need to start meeting some new guys to prevent me from falling back to the American again.

So somehow, the guys who've have been messaging me have improved 100% compared to the last time I was on the site last year. One in particular really stood out to me out of the 3 guys I've met so far: a 27 year old traveling executive in the city for a business trip. I know what you're thinking, what's the point of meeting a guy whose only in town for a week and is probably not looking for anything serious? At first I was skeptical too and didn't think it'd be worth it to meet him, but the more he talked to me, the more I realized that we had a lot in common. And he was my type to the T: really successful for a 27 year old (working for one of the biggest financial companies in the world), intelligent (graduated with a masters from MIT), and dressed well in a suit. So I agreed to meet with him for lunch during my break from work, going into it with no expectations. But that all changed within the first 5 minutes of meeting him. It was possibly the best date I've ever been on, no exaggeration. The truth is, I don't think I've ever been on a first date where I felt nervous (in a good way) and completely consumed in the date because I'm so attracted and interested by the other person.

He was dressed professionally but not too stuffy, in a crisp blue dress shirt, and when we met he greeted me with a really warm smile and suggested we go to a cozy Italian restaurant nearby. We just spent the next hour talking about where we've travelled to, our careers and everything else over minestrone soup and pizza. His intelligence and ambition was what really drew me to him, but I was also really attracted to his charming and kind personality. He grew up in the South so he had that southern gentleman chivalry about him, but since he had traveled everywhere from Dubai to Singapore, he was by no means close-minded or a small town guy.

At one point I checked the time and realized I needed to get going for my meeting. After he paid for lunch, he asked me if I was interested in seeing each other again that weekend (which I of course said yes to)! But he told me that if his client's project ends early he'd be leaving the next day. If not, he'd be here for another week. He gave me a hug and we went our separate ways, and about 20 min later I got a text from him:

"I'm glad we were able to meet for lunch! Hope to see you again soon :)"

I was smiling like a little girl when I read that text during my meeting (I don't think my boss saw me, hopefully), but the next day he texted me and said that his project had ended early and he was flying back home. But he added that he really enjoyed meeting me and wanted to stay in touch. I definitely appreciated the text, but disappointed of course. And I figured I'd probably never hear from him again, because really what would be the point? Well, about a week later, I got another text from him just asking me how my week was. Then he said to me,

"So I really liked meeting you.and hope we can meet again somehow. I wish my project up there didn't end so quickly! I generally get my weekends off so I could possibly come up some in the spring (I want to go skiing there too)..Also you're welcome in Boston anytime! We should stay in touch and figure something out."

I tried not to get too excited by his text, but I can't help it. I know I should be careful since he could just be feeding me lines, but I just genuinely felt this chemistry with him and I guess that judging by his texts, he felt something too. I'm trying not to think about it, but it's a little difficult since he's been texting me a couple times a week still! Just a couple hours ago he texted me and said that he was looking at flights, and is thinking of visiting in March. If this were to actually happen, I'd be over the moon. But again, I have to be careful of not getting my hopes up.. Even if nothing materializes out this, at the very least it's made me realize that there are guys like him out there and I don't have to settle on things like ambition and intelligence.

As for the other guys I've met, they were okay but nothing exciting enough to blog about. I will say that one of them is from France so he has a nice accent. And although he's shown a lot of interest (maybe almost too much), I don't really see a lot of potential there.

But I'm just starting, so be prepared for some more updates in the coming weeks ;)

Back With Updates!

2012-01-17T20:57:00.000-08:00

Picture I took in beautiful Barcelona

Okay I've been really bad at updating this blog this past month. December and January have been hectic with the holidays, my vacation to Italy and Spain, getting back to my internship, catching up with many friends, and school work for this course I'm taking.

This is going to my shortest blog post, because I have to get working on this course I'm taking, but it's better than nothing right? The main updates...

1) Since December, the American and I got back together. Yeah, I hate being "that" couple, but it happened and things have been really good.

2) I finally slept with the American last week, after 5 months of dating. I just finally felt ready and comfortable enough with him after all this time and it felt right. I'm happy with my decision for him to be my first.

3) Then some possible bad news: the American got an email from one of the best design studios and they called him for an interview. Why is it possibly bad news? Well, it's in Chicago. He didn't even apply for a job at that studio, but they said one of his contacts referred them to him. And they seem really eager to get him on board... He just had his first phone interview yesterday, and I feel really off about it. I'm of course happy for him if this goes through because it's the perfect job for him, at one of the best studios, and a lot of his friends live in Chicago. But I know it'll be really hard for me to see him leave, and right now his chances of getting that job are looking pretty good. I'm thinking about that last day I hang out with him before he moves away, and it makes be a bit anxious.

So we'll see what happens.

Hanging Out With the Ex. And the End of C

2011-12-13T22:49:00.002-08:00

best band ever?

A lot has happened in the past week. And I'm a little sick of my dating life right now to be completely honest. The past few weeks have just been too much of a roller coaster ride and I'm really worn out by it. But, I'll go through everything that's happened:

1. Last week, C messaged me and it was our typical conversation with him telling me that he was excited for me to come to Italy soon. But then he asked me if I'd be able to stay at his apartment with him in Milan. I told him that I wasn't sure, especially since I'd be traveling with my parents. And then he came right out and asked what was so obviously on his mind this whole time: "About those issues that led us to break up...Do you think you're ready? Because I'm telling you now, I would really like that. I really like you. But obviously it's your choice, an it's an important one. And I don't want to pressure you."

I can't say that I was surprised that he asked me that because I've gotten used to the fowardness of Italian guys at this point. I told him that although I had thought about it, I wasn't sure (ie: I had no intention of sleeping with him). And I reminded him that he even said it would be a bad idea, because we don't have a future together. He told me to let him know when I decide, but I told him that I couldn't decide on something like that until seeing him in person, which he said okay to. That was on Thursday.

On Saturday, I got this wonderful message from him: "Hey, so something has changed in my life and I don't think it'd be a good idea for us to meet. There's someone in my life now. I'm sorry, but I told you as soon as possible. I met her a week before and went out with her on Wednesday. I'm sorry but I don't think this should seem unreasonable to you since you're only coming to Italy for a week."

Wow. Really? I felt such a mix of anger, bitterness, and just plain pathetic sadness when he was telling me this. I couldn't believe him, but at the same time, I was predicting this. In the back of my mind, I knew that he would disappoint me again, because he always has. Because all my friends warned me about him. Because, ultimately, he's not a good guy and was only after one thing. I'm not sure why I thought that he changed.

When I told my friend H about this, she immediately wondered if he was lying. I was too angry at the time to even think of that as a possibility, but when she said it, it did seem plausible. Especially since he was telling me this just 3 days after I told him that I probably wouldn't be sleeping with him. And he said certain things in that conversation that showed no indication of him distancing himself because he was seeing someone else.

Either way, it doesn't matter. It's tough right now, but I know that in the end, it was good that this happened. Because if he did something to disappoint me while I was in Italy, it would've completely ruined my vacation. I'm embarassed that I was so naive to think that he really changed. But at least this way, I get over these feelings while I'm here. And then I can go to Europe with a clear mind and just enjoy my trip.

2. Onto slightly better news. I saw the American last weekend, a week after our break up. And..it was really nice to see him. But you know what? It felt too much like we were a couple again. And the truth is, I've had urges to get back together with him from the minute I broke up with him. Last week when literally right after we changed our relationship statuses on facebook, a girl who he dated back in July for a month wrote on his wall. She wrote to him to say that she'd be coming back from school in a few weeks and couldn't wait to go rock cilmbing with him again!

Now, I've never been the jealous type. But when I saw this, I can't tell you how immaturely jealous I felt! It was a completely new feeling and I hated the way it made me feel, I felt really dumb! I admitted this to him when I saw him, and he laughed. He laughed because he told me that he couldn't compare how much he likes me to how much he liked this girl who he dated for 1 month.

That night we had dinner and hung out as his place, and one thing led to another of course. Afterwards, I told him some things that were on my mind since the break up (mostly saying that I was sorry). And he looked at me right in the eyes and asked:

"So...is this a 'let's get back together' conversation? Because you know what I want. I don't feel like this relationship is over, and I really like you. So I of course want us to get back together."

I told him I needed to think about that more because I wasn't sure if the jealousy was influencing my judgement. He told me he understood and that he'd be there for me when I decide. When we got back into his car, he asked me to open up the glove compartment.

And right inside the compartment was the newly released CD of our favourite band, with a flower attached to it. I was completely surprised by this, and he said that he knew he shouldn't but he just really wanted to get it for me. It was really sweet.

Then the next morning when I was on facebook, I noticed that he had completely deleted the post that the rock climbing girl had wrote on his wall. Not privatized from just me, but permanately deleted. Is it stupid that I felt a little better by that? Damn, I'm really immature. And I'm still unsure of what I really want.

3. Some other odd but interesting things happened last week. I don't think they're even significant enough for me to mention, but I just thought they were kind of interesting:

I was walking home from work last week when a tall, dark-haired guy wearing a scarf and nice shoes, suddenly walked up to me from behind and said hi! At first I was a little creeped out because I was caught off guard and had my earphones in. But as he continued to try to make casual conversation with me as we were walking, I realized he wasn't a serial killer. And he was actually kind of cute. I learned that he worked in the same area of the city as me, and he was actually half Romanian and half Italian. Of course! Anyways, we soon got to the front of my apartment, so I said it was nice to meet him and was about to say goodbye when he asked me with a shy smile on his face: "Um, I know this is forward but would you be interested in going out for coffee sometime?" It was actually kind of adorable the way he asked, and I always admire guys who have the guts to do that, but I was still technically with the American at the time. So I had to decline, even though there was a part of me that wanted to give him my number..

Random story #2: My friend H, who is currently at school in New York, started dating a boy (we'll call him David) this summer. They're on "pause" right now since they're living in separate cities but I would say they're still dating since they're not seeing other people. Anyways, I was talking to H right after my breakup with the American since she always makes me feel better. But she said that she felt like her advice might not be the best because she's never gone through a break up. So she asked David what breakup advice he could give. So H was relaying some of the advice that David was telling her via skype, and then told me: "Actually David said that if you're comfortable talking about it, he could meet you for coffee sometime this week if you want?"

I definitely wasn't expecting that since I'd only met David twice, for only a couple minutes each. I mean what straight guy enjoys listening to the relationship problems of the friend of the girl they're dating?! But I appreciated that he would offer to do something like this (it surprised H too) and I was basically willing to talk to anyone about the break-up, so I agreed to it. We decided to meet the next day after work for coffee. And I'll talk more about that in my next post...

Breakup With The American: From Ex to Friends..or Fwb?

2011-12-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

These past 4 days have been..hard. There's no other way for me to describe it. The American and I broke up on Sunday, and I was the one to end it. Going through a breakup is a new experience for me since I've never had a boyfriend before the American, and now I can see why everyone hates them. I feel sad and out of it, and most of all, I feel like a bad person. Even writing this post is difficult because it's all still fresh in my mind.

It all started last week. With my schedule, it got really difficult to have time to see the American during the past week. We had seen each other the weekend before because he was my date for my work's Christmas party, but then my cousin from London was visiting so I didn't see the American for almost week. I could tell that he felt neglected, so we managed to see each other right after I finished work on Friday. But I felt like something was off with me when I saw him. I was suddenly not happy, even though I was with him. He could sense this, so he asked me if something was wrong.

And that's when I told him everything. About my parents' disapproval of us, about how I still had feelings for the Italian Finance Student. I told him everything that was on mind in between tears.

I wasn't expecting to drop it all on him at once, but I just felt this urgent need to tell him the whole truth. He wasn't happy to hear these things, but he acted as mature and rationally as he normally is. He told me that he understood why those things were such stressors for me but that he was willing to work through them. And that it's ok that I still had some feelings for someone else, as long as I didn't act on them. He said that we should try to work through this because he valued what we have.

But I wasn't as confident about it as he was. I don't think he fully understood the extent of my parents' disapproval of him. Although my parents didn't outright disallow me from dating him, they would still constantly criticize him in front of me, telling me numerous times that I'm "settling" and that I can do "better." It's hard to be in a relationship with someone when you're constantly having to deal with such negativity because it also makes you question everything.

But we decided to give this a few more days, for us both to think about it more. We saw each other again on Sunday at his place. And as we were talking, another big issue came up. He said something like, "I feel like I deserve at least more time and effort from your end to try to work through this. I've been really patient and supportive for you through this whole sex thing. I know you're still not ready now, but I'm telling you that I'm willing to wait for you until you feel ready."

This was a bit of a shock for me to hear, and that's because I decided a few weeks ago that sex is not something that I'm ready for yet. It has to do with a number of reasons, but ultimately I just couldn't picture the American as my first. I told him that I wasn't ready as soon as I came to the decision, but I realized on Sunday that he completely misunderstood what I was saying:

Me: Yeah but about that. I know you've been really patient, but sex is just so far down the road for me right now. I really don't see it happening any time soon. And I thought you knew that?

Him: Oh.? Okay..I..wasn't aware of that. I thought you were telling me before that you just needed more time. I didn't realize that sex was completely off the table now..

Me: Yeah I can tell you right now, that I don't want it to happen yet, if at all in this relationship.

Him: Okay, this is a bigger issue than I initially thought then. I'll be completely honest with you and say that I've never been in a relationship without sex. But just understand that I'm still willing to wait for you if you change your mind.

And so on top of all these problems, we now had this imbalance of expectations for sex. That's when I realized, there were too many issues. Too many factors working against this relationship. And I realized I didn't truly like him enough to be be able to work through all of them.

So that's when I finally told him that we should end things there. Trying to get those words out of mouth was one of the most difficult things I've had to do, because a big part of me didn't want to.
And then, completely unexpectedly, we hooked up. Break-up sex, but without the sex. And it surprisingly felt really great. I don't know why?

Afterwards, I told him that I wanted us to still hang out as friends, because the thought of never being able to see him again is too much for me at this point. He was hesitant because it rarely works out that way, but he agreed. And then he asked me this:

Him: Would you still want to hang out at my place? Like what we're doing right now?

Me: What do you mean?

Him: Basically, would you want to be friends with benefits?

It was a total surprise for me to hear him suggesting that. But what's even more surprising? It's strangely what I want too. So I agreed to it.

I know it's so obvious that this not a good idea, and it's so easy for it to get complicated. There's so many ways it can go wrong: feelings for each other getting in the way, one person getting jealous when the other starts dating other people, etc. But I can't think rationally at this point, all I'm able to do at this moment is base my actions on what I feel, not what I think I should do.

So that's how it is right now. My first breakup, and my first breakup resulting in a friends with benefits.

I'm realizing what sucks the most about breakups is the feelings of regret. I feel so much regret, and I feel guilty because I don't feel like I put enough effort into this relationship as the American did. Maybe I didn't give him enough of a chance. One thing for sure though is that I didn't break up with him because of C. There's no future with C, so it would've been insane for me to break up with the American to "be with" him. But it did make me realize that I just didn't have strong enough feelings for the American to be able to not care about C at all. I'm not even thinking of C now though, if I see him in Italy that's great. But if I don't, I'm not going to be heartbroken. My mind is more preoccupied with the fact that I just let go of a really great guy.

The American drove me back home that day, and right before I left his car he said to me:
"I just want you to know that even though I'm a little pissed off right now, I'm not mad at you. Out of all the girlfriends I've had, I don't think I've ever liked a girl as much as I liked you. And if you ever feel like you're ready for a relationship with me again, well you know, I'm here."

It's taking me every amount of effort not to text the American to hang out right now. I feel like I'll cave though, and ask to see if he's free this weekend. Not just to hook up but to tell him some things that I didn't say on Sunday. I mostly just want to say I'm sorry.

Tickets to Europe Booked. And A Reunion With Italian Finance Student?

2011-11-22T20:53:00.001-08:00

Somehow, out of a really great turn of events, my family and I have decided to go to Italy and Spain next month! It was planned out very last minute, but I'm ecstatic that it turned out this way. In my last post you read that I was wishing I could go back to Europe this Christmas, but that it was very unlikely because of work. Well that's where the other good news comes in, the company I work for offered to extend my contract for another term! So instead of going back to school in January I'll be interning for 4 more months. And on top of that, my boss gave me some additional vacation days, thus giving my family and I enough time to take a quick vacation!

I'm over the moon with happiness right now with this contract extension and the upcoming Europe trip. And there's of course another reason why I'm so excited to be going back to Italy: I'll be seeing C again.

I told him of the news over skype last week, and he sounded so adorably excited and enthusiastic. Even though C is Italian, and most Italians are known to be VERY expressive, C doesn't show his emotions that much. So it was nice to see him show more of his Italian side this time!

He said that he would mostly be in Florence over the holidays since that's where his home is, but that I should visit him in Florence so that he could show me around. So we agreed that he'd come out to Milan couple times and that I'd go to see him in Florence. I remembered that he said he drives a Vespa in Florence, so I of course had to ask him if it fits two! He said yes and agreed to drive me around. I've always wanted to go on a ride on a Vespa, and in my eyes there's nothing better than having an Italian boy drive you around on his Vespa around Tuscany.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself by looking so foward to all these plans, but I can't help it. The thought of seeing C again just makes me so excited. But, this excitment is coupled with guilt too. C is obviously more than just a friend, and the American is my boyfriend. So what the heck am I doing ?

I feel selfish for basically wanting to have my cake and eat it too. When I told my friend about my situation she said to me, "Well I do really believe that it's possible to like 2 people at the same time. And you can't help how you feel about C. But honestly, if it was me and I found out my boyfriend was still talking that often to an ex, still had feelings for her, and was planning on seeing her, I'd be heartbroken."

What my friend said definitely put things in perspective for me. And then she asked me if the reason why I don't think I like the American as much as C is because I still talk to C too much. Which hasn't allowed me to let go of my feelings for him. I wasn't able to give her a clear answer on that, because I honestly don't know. And I probably won't know that until the moment I see C.

So amidst all this guilt I was feeling, I saw the American over the weekend for our usual date night. But as I got into his car on Friday night, he suddenly handed me...

A bouquet of flowers.

I asked him what the occasion was and he just told me that he passed by a florist and thought I'd like them. So he got me flowers for no reason at all. It was so sweet and genuine. And it made me feel even more horrible as a person. But I paid attention to how I felt about him that night as we were eating dinner at my favourite restaurant and I realized that I still do like him. A lot.

Then the next day, C messaged me and he's been talking to me even more often than before (mostly because he wants to plan out the week that I'm in Italy).

So that's the gist of situation I'm in. I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm definitely not thinking of the long-term consequences of what I'm getting into. Since when did I get so careless about dating?!

Italian Finance Student: To Be Continued?

2011-11-14T22:41:00.001-08:00

Even though things with the American have been going great, lately I think I'm getting distracted. And by that I mean I'm getting distracted by another guy: C, the Italian finance student I met while I was studying in Milan.

C and I actually still regularly talk on Skype after I came back from Italy (which was already 5 months ago). He'll ask me how my internship is going, I'll ask him how his last year of grad school is going, and the conversation is pretty easy going. But sometimes, he'll tell me how he misses me, or how he wishes I were still in Italy.

Yesterday, though, he messaged me again and at first I thought it would be like all our other run-of-the-mill conversations. But then he suddenly said to me:

"Often, I think of you. I don't know why but it happens a lot. I guess I feel like we missed an opportunity...and I wonder if it will ever happen again."

....

When he said that, I at first couldn't help but swoon and feel really..happy to hear that he'd still been thinking of me even after 5 months had passed. Because to be honest, I've still been thinking of him this whole time. I thought that I was crazy for thinking of a boy who I only went on a handful of dates with. But to hear that he was doing the same, just sort of reaffirmed to me that he felt something too.

He then asked me whether there was any chance I'd be coming to Europe this December (I had mentioned to him before that I would either be going to New York, Europe, or just staying home this Christmas). He of course tried to convince me to come to Italy this December, and I of course told him that I wish I could. But right now the chances of me going to Europe is looking pretty slim because of my work schedule.

And now all I can think of is how much I want to go back to Europe. It's hard for me to describe why I fell so hard for him so quickly. I could list off all the qualities I like about him: his intelligence (MBA finance student on a full scholarship), how successful he is (already landing a job at one of those top financial services firms in London), or the way he dresses (he is Italian after all).

But I don't think I fell for him so much just because of those qualities. I know this because I was drawn to him the instant he approached me that night, before I knew any of those thigns. And there was no turning back after he asked for my number and for a date within 15 minutes of meeting each other.

So how does this all tie in with the fact that I have a boyfriend? I don't know. Have I told C about the American? No, and guilty as charge, I consciously made a decision of not telling him that I have a boyfriend. And the unfortunate fact is that if say out of some crazy turn of events C moved to where I lived, I would no doubt choose to be with him instead of the American.

I feel like such a horrible person for saying that because I do care about the American as my boyfriend. And he's definitely someone special to me. But the fact is, I just can't compare what I have with him to what I had with C. And I realize that I sound really dumb and crazy for saying that since I didn't see C even half as much as I saw the American in the first month of dating. But sometimes you just know from spending just 10 minutes with someone whether there's something really there or not. I felt that with C, and he always chooses to remind me whenever we talk that he felt that too.

As much as I like hearing that from him each time, it always makes it that much harder. Not just because of the distance, but because occasionally I'll briefly forget about him when I'm too busy enjoying the relationship I have with the American. But whenever C pops up in my life like that, it makes things less simple.

So what do you do when you're still head over heels for a guy half way across the world with no foreseeable plans to meet in the really near future? And add to that the fact that you have a really great boyfriend right in front of you?

American Guy: "Can I Start Calling You My Girlfriend Now?"

2011-10-11T23:06:00.002-07:00

Been daydreaming about my 4th trip to New York later this winter :)

Quite a lot happened this week (along with some random stories), so I think I'll just list them to avoid writing an excessively long post:

1. Random Story #1: Last week I was at a cafe during my lunch break from work when an older business man sat next to me on the bench. I continued to read as he opened his laptop and made a business call. A couple minutes later I started to pack up my things, but as soon as I got up from my chair, he said "hold on" to his business call. Then he said to me: "I just have to tell you that I think you are really beautiful. Really. I couldn't help but notice you from across the cafe." Ah. I was a kind of embarrassed because it was really out of the blue, and also because: this man was old enough to be my father! The funny thing is, ever since I started working, I've become used to old business men hitting on me because there's almost no other interns working at this time of the year. And heck, I've never been one to hate on good looking business men.

2. The Good Things: Things with the American are still going unbelievably well. It surprises me how each time I see him, I start to fall for him more and more, and I still stand by what I said about him being the sweetest guy I've ever dated. I was over at his place again last weekend when he said to me: "Did you realize we've been dating for exactly 1 month now? Our first date was on September 7th." I had actually lost track of when we first went out (oops), but I thought it was beyond sweet that he had remembered. And then he asked me something else:

"You know, yesterday I was talking to my coworker and it was the first time I accidently referred to you as my girlfriend, instead of 'the girl I'm seeing'....Can I call you my girlfriend now? Do you think we're ready for that?"

Even though I was fine with where things were without putting a label on it, I won't lie, I was pretty damn happy when he asked me that question. So I guess it's official now !

3. The Not So Good: There are a few issues though (of course). The first one being, him not paying for things anymore. He was really good at paying for literally everything when we were first going out. But I feel like he's "slacked off" a bit if that's the right way to put it. But I know I should be more realistic and less picky about that. It's not like he never pays for anything, and he's only 1 year older than me (22) so it's not like he's this much older guy who has very well-paying job and lots of disposable income.

Which leads me to my next silly concern. Ever since he moved to my city, he's worked at this design studio in a really trendy area of downtown for the past 4 months. But his contract is ending this month because the studio is moving out to a city about 5 hours away and he didn't want to move there. So while he's in between jobs, he'll mostly be working at the rock climbing centre as an instructor. Now you're probably wondering, why is this a concern for me? Well, an embarrassingly superficial thing about me is that a guy's career is really a significant factor to me when it comes to dating. I let their career/job define them a lot more than it should, but I can't help it. I'm worried that he won't be able to find another job for a while, which might affect how I see him as my boyfriend. But I don't think it's a huge issue for me, especially compared to this next one...

My last concern: sex. I've become more and more comfortable with trusting him when we're at his place, which feels really amazing. And he's been so great at being patient and just being totally okay with taking things slow. But I keep having these conflicting feelings. The impulsive side of me sometimes just wants to go for it when I feel like it because the physical chemistry is unbelievable. But the logical side of me freaks out at the thought of it. So it's just been mostly PG-13 for now. Which is exactly what I'm happy with at this point!

4. Random Story #2: Today I got a text from Ari out of the blue again, even though I told him to stop texting me (he flaked out on plans again a long time ago). But I decided to just keep the texts civil and not passive aggressive, since I really have no feelings for him anymore. He asked how I was and how "the single life" was. I told him that I'd been good, but not living the single life anymore. He stopped texting me right after I told him that. And I think that's when I knew just how happy I was to be with the American (despite those concerns I just mentioned). The truth is, I was a little scared that I would miss the fun single life if things became official with him. But I've realized that I won't miss it at all if it means I get to be with a really great, amazing guy-- and Ari deifnitelyy reminded me of that. So I guess in the end, he was good for something ;)

Dating the American: I Finally Told Him

2011-10-03T21:40:00.002-07:00

Randoms from the week: My favourite drink. My new office! And good wine w/ friends.

Last weekend I had another "important" date with the American. If you read my last post, I talked about how I was planning on telling him about my lack of experience, and even though I was really nervous about it, I told him.

That night he picked me up in his car again from my place and we went for dinner first at a sushi restaurant. I laughed at his failed attempts to eat these very large sushi rolls with chopsticks, and he asked me to teach him the names of the sashimi I ordered. That's one thing I like about him, he's not narrow-minded and when it comes to these sorts of things, he's always willing to try and learn.

After dinner we went back to his place and watched Weeds again. But this time we had a slightly harder time focusing on the show since we were watching it on his bed. As soon as we stopped watching, he kissed me and said to me, "you're in control again tonight." I knew I was in complete control of how far we'd go that night, but I could tell that he wanted more than last time. And I did let him go a little further, since I was totally comfortable with that. But I also knew I had to have the talk with him first, before anything more happened.

It took me a good few hours to muster up the courage to tell him because I was nervous. Even though I've told other guys before that I'm a virgin, it just felt a lot more significant this time. But finally, I managed to get the words out of mouth by starting with: "So this pace we're moving at... is it a lot slower than what you've been used to with other girls in the past?"

Him: Hm it's hard to say because it's been really different for each girl to be honest. Is this the pace that you're used to?
Me: Yea.. A lot of the guys I've gone out with have always wanted to move too fast. But I like to take things really slow. And there's a reason for that...
Him: Because it weeds out all the bad guys who are only there for the wrong reasons right?
Me: Well yeah that too and because..I'm a virgin.

Before I said this, he had a smile on his face the whole time and he was speaking in a light tone. But as soon as I said this, he looked a little more serious and his tone changed too. And then he said to me:

"That's totally fine with me. We can take as much time as you need. And what's nice is that we're both not leaving this city in the near future so we have all the time in the world." Then he smiled at me again and said, "I think it's kinda cute actually. I'm really glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me that, and I really like that you stick to what you're okay with."

And that right there was everything I wanted to hear from him. He couldn't have been more perfect in his delivery, it was like he was reading from a script of what I wanted him to say. And it wasn't too cheesy.

We spent some more time on his bed listening to his music, and then he drove me home later that night. I can't tell you how happy I am to finally have finally told him. I'm still a little nervous about everything of course, since this is all so new to me, but he's helped make it all a lot less nerve wracking.

I actually had this brief panic moment yesterday when I somehow got it in my head that I would never hear from him again because he didn't want to deal with everything. I think I was panicking because I don't like to open up to guys, and I felt vulnerable after telling him everything. But true to his nice guy form, he texted me today while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner tomorrow. He said that he wants to show me around his design studio and introduce me to his coworkers before we go for dinner, which I'm somehow really looking forward to (mostly because he told me his coworkers are hilariously nerdy).

So I think it's safe to say that he's a good guy. I almost forgot they existed.

Dating The American: Turning Point

2011-09-28T23:55:00.006-07:00

I'm not really sure where to even begin with this post because a lot of exciting things happened this week. Last Friday I got a co-op job offer to work as an intern at a corporation for this semester. For all my non-Canadian readers, co-op is when the school helps place you in jobs and you basically alternate between working and going to school each term. I love my job so far and the super nice office is right in the financial district so I get to work with really important professionals in my field.

So that's how things are in one part of my life. In terms of my dating life right now, things are....also going really well. I've seen the American a few more times since my last post and a lot of the doubts and confusing thoughts I had have almost completely washed away. I think the turning point was when I was with him last Friday when he invited me over to his place for dinner.

He picked me up at my place with his car (which I really appreciated since his place is kinda far from mine), and we stopped by the grocery store first to buy some ingredients for his mom's tortellini recipe that he'd be making for us. As we stepped out the car and walked towards the store, he held my hand and even though I'm not usually a fan of public hand-holding, it felt really nice just to walk hand in hand with him.

Once we got to his place and after I met one of his 4 roommates, he cooked dinner and we took it to his room to eat it as we watched the first season of Weeds together. Maybe it's because he's half Italian but he's a pretty great cook (a better one than I'll ever be for sure)!

After watching Weeds he turned on some of his music and he started kissing me. Then he asked if I wanted to move somewhere more comfortable, pointing to his bed. And as soon as we got on his bed, he said to me:

"Hey I just want you know, this doesn't have to turn into anything tonight if you don't want to. I really like you, so I want to move at the pace that you're comfortable with."

To me that was the most sincere and sweetest thing to hear from a guy. It was such a contrast from past guys I've gone out with who wanted to move much faster than I was okay with, and it just made me realize even more how amazing this guy is.

The rest of that night was relatively PG, exactly what I wanted (I think we spent a good 3 hours on his bed..just making out and cuddling hah). At one point he looked at me and said, "Um I can't tell you how great I feel right now: listening to the Postal Service in the background with a pretty girl right next to me."

Eventually I had to go because I had work the next morning. So we both reluctantly got up from his bed, and he drove me all the way back home again. He said he wouldn't dare think of not driving me back home.

The next day while I was at work, I couldn't help but keep thinking of him. And that's when I realized, I really like him. This date felt like a step up from previous dates because he really opened up to me that night and he just made me feel really secure, in a good way. And ever since that date, I get really excited to see him each time.

I saw him again last night for dinner and I felt like we were just an actual couple on this date. He showed up at my place wearing his grey and white plaid shirt and I had a feeling he wore it on purpose (on the previous date I told him that was my favourite shirt on him, especially because it's soft)! After dinner he suggested we go to to a nearby cafe, which I knew he was doing because of me since he hates drinking coffee. It was comfortable, perfectly low-key, and I was just happy the whole time.

This weekend he invited me over to his place again, and I think that's going to be another pivotal date. Because... I think I might be ready to tell him that I'm a virgin on that next date. I'm anxious about it, but at the same time I'm not uncomfortable about telling him.

My friend said to me, "okay do you realize your life is kinda perfect right now? You have the job you've always wanted, and the sweetest guy." Although I usually never use the word perfect to describe any aspect of my life, I think I might agree with her a little bit this time. But I'll see how things go this weekend...
P.s. Any advice any of you have on how to have that talk with a guy would be greatly appreciated :)

Dates With The American: Flowers, Art Galleries, etc.

2011-09-22T00:45:00.003-07:00

I've had a hectic week with birthday dinners, job interviews, school, and dates. I've been out with B, the American guy, four times now. And things are going almost.. perfectly. There's been no confusion (he texts me almost everyday, either to make plans or just to say hi) , no overanalyzing, and no flakiness on his part. It's like he was taken out of a romantic comedy as Mr. Perfect and placed right in front of me. But I've had some confusing feelings on my part, which I'll get to.

On date 3, we watched a movie at my place and hung out with my hyperactive dog. Right before this date I was really excited to see him, and was looking forward to it all day. But then something happened at the beginning. I saw him waiting at my lobby when I came downstairs, and I was a tiny bit....disappointed. I think this was due to the fact that I didn't quite like what he was wearing that night (just a t-shirt and North Face jacket), and he just looked a little disheveled from the rainy weather. I know this makes me sound horribly superficial but the way a guy dresses is really important to me. So I panicked when he just didn't look as cute as I had remembered. But luckily, things improved that night.

He was still the amazing guy that I had been impressed by on the first two dates, just a little less put together. Again, I loved how easily the conversation just flowed between me and him. At one point after the movie, he asked me if I would ever tell my parents that we met online. I said that even though I tell all my friends about it, I don't think I'd tell the same to my parents simply because they're so conservative. He said with a slightly embarrassed smile on his face that he told his roommates that we met on the bus. Ha! (Sidenote: he's never met someone from online before). He then told me that the reason he signed up was because after his mother passed away, his father signed up on a site and met his now fiancee through it. And so he thought he'd give it a try too (not that he's looking for a fiancee). But I thought that was a cute story.

And then he kissed me, for a very long time. But (and here's another but), I didn't quite like the way he kissed me sometimes. It wasn't horrible by any means, but sometimes it was just a bit too much. I'll have to see how much of an issue this will pose, but for now I'm okay with it.

A couple days later, we met up again (the day before my birthday) for a sushi dinner and then we headed to the art gallery to see their new exhibitions. This time when I saw him at the beginning of our date, I was happy. He was looking much cuter and the whole time I was with him I just wanted to be close to him! We took our sushi to go and ate on a bench in front of a little waterfall in the financial district which he had found. I really liked this part of the date for some reason. I think the casualness of it, and the hilariousness of trying to eat sushi gracefully (impossible) was what made it the best part of the date for me.

After dinner (which he paid for again), we went to the art gallery. I tried to pay for my admission but he didn't let me pay for that either. And we had a good time at the gallery as two completely clueless people when it comes to art.

He walked me home and he suggested we sit on one of the benches again in front of the water before I went back home. He sat really close with his arm around me, and I won't lie, this felt nice (especially because he's so tall and has these nice, long arms). Then he started pulling something out of his bag saying he got me something small for my birthday. And he pulled out a bouquet of flowers. He told me that he'd went to a florist during his short lunch break, and tried his best to hide the bouquet in his work bag (much to the horror of the florist who worked hard on the bouquet). I thought it was all really sweet. But, and I know I'm going to sound so cold-hearted when I say this, it was too much cheesiness for me. The thing about me is that I can't stand anything even remotely cheesy . So with all this hand holding, red roses, and sitting in front of the water, it was almost too much for me to handle all in one night.

But I say almost. And that's because in the end I saw it for what it was: a really great guy making a nice gesture.

Later when he walked me back home, he asked me if I was free this weekend to hang out his place for dinner and a movie, to which I said yes. I'm a little nervous about that date because it is at his place, but I know he's not the type that expects too much too soon.

Now here's the thing. I'm feeling that sense of panic again. I know I like him, but do I like him enough? My level of physical attraction to him sometimes takes mood swings, so I'm left confused at times. This superficial part of me wishes he was just a little more good looking. A part of me that wishes I had that perfectly well-dressed, hot boyfriend to show off to friends. And with him, he's not exactly someone who my friends would gush about how handsome he is. But what's most important is that I'm attracted to him, no one else. And I am. I've never wanted to spend so much time with one person, and he's just everything I've always looked for in a guy. I guess I'm just confused because I've never felt this way about a guy. I think I like him on a more meaningful level than just physical attraction, and that's all entirely new to me. So I guess I'll just see how things go.

Dating The American: Doesn't Get More Perfect Than This

2011-09-15T12:34:00.011-07:00

I have a confession to make: I am really happy right now. I don't actually want to admit that I'm happy, because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment (how's that for pessimistic). But right now I don't care too much about that because ...this new guy I've just started dating is really great.

I talked about him briefly in my last post: he's a 23 year old recent college grad who moved here from the US this summer for work. He's an east coast guy, a little bit geeky in a good way because of the field he works in, and at the same time he's very athletic/active and just a well-rounded guy.

For our first date he took me out for coffee and we walked around the beach until it got dark. When I first saw him, I'm not gonna lie: I was a tiny bit disappointed that he wasn't as cute as his pictures. BUT, somehow that changed very quickly as I started becoming more and more attracted to him throughout the date. I think it was partly because he's: tall and skinny but with a nice build, has a really nice voice (it matters!), and although he may not be the most trendy guy he wears his plaid shirts really well. I think more importantly, I was attracted to his maturity and how genuine of a nice guy he was. I forget that he's only 2 years older than me sometimes because he's so grounded and mature (but not in a boring, doesn't-know-how-to-have-fun kinda way).

He walked me all the way home at the end of that first date and asked me out for a second date before we parted ways (I love when guys have the guts to do that). He texted me the next day saying he had a great time and two days later he asked me when I was free for dinner. So we met up in my neighborhood after he finished work last night, and I was excited.

I didn't expect him to have any restaurant choices picked out since he's only lived here for 2 months, but he had two great choices all picked out (one of which happened to be one of my favourite restaurants in downtown)! But I suggested we go to the other one that I had never been to because it was more casual. We got there and it was perfect: a casual, low-key restaurant with a really cool cocktail and tapas menu. We ordered drinks, shared some yummy appetizers, and basically spent the next 3 hours talking about everything and anything. Safe to say, I was enjoying myself. The conversation was so easy, and it's strange because I've never felt this comfortable talking to a guy I've just met. I'm a slightly shy person so the first couple dates are usually a little nerve-wracking for me, but I don't feel nervous at all when I'm around him.

After dinner (which he paid for), we walked to the beach next to my place and he suggested we sit on one of the rocks in front of the water. We laughed a lot and he teased me for never having watched Star Wars before (he said: "If we're gonna keep dating, I seriously have to make you watch that, if we want to make this work!"). We also accidently talked about things that you shouldn't talk about on a second date: religion (we're both not religious so no problems there), politics, and then he mentioned to me that his mother had actually passed away a couple years ago. But I didn't feel awkward at all when he shared that because he wasn't talking about it as an emotional sob story. It was more in a "my mother was a great person" kind of way. And I thought it was really sweet that he felt comfortable enough to tell me that.

At the end of the date, he walked me home again and he suggested that we go to an art gallery next Tuesday for their free admission night. He also said that he would love to take me out for my birthday, either the day of or the day before on Tuesday after the art gallery (I had mentioned in passing that my 21st birthday was coming up when we were talking about me not being able to drink in the states quite yet). And then when I went in to hug him...he kissed me instead! It was really nice but a little bit unexpected for me because well a) I'm naive about that kind of stuff and b) He seemed like the type of guy who would take things really slow with girls. But nope, definitely not that kind of guy :P

I enjoyed the kisses but I decided to stop because I was pretty sure someone would pass by us any minute (remember how much I dislike PDA?). So I said good night, walked to my door, and turned around to say thanks for walking me home. He had a big smile on his face and said, "Tuesday right?" (Like I would forget that !)

So that was the end of that 4 hour second date. It was actually the longest I've ever been out with a guy, and I think it was probably the best second date I've ever been on (and that's including the one in Italy with C)! I just love the fact that he's chivalrous and a gentleman, but at the same time makes me laugh and feel comfortable around him. And full disclosure: I'm not sure if I've ever felt this way about a guy.

I'm not without some doubts though...I wouldn't be an over analyzer without them after all. I realized that the next time I'll see is on Tuesday which is 5 days after this date. I know it's not a huge deal, but it does seem like a while. Not that we would be able to see each other before then since I have to work all weekend, but I just thought that was a little strange to see each other just once this week. I think it's more to do with my insecurities right now though. I know that he's interested, but those pesky insecurities are telling me: Maybe you'll never hear from him again. Or maybe he'll cancel Tuesday's date. Insecurities are the devil I tell you.

But I've tried to put those to the side and just look forward to that third date on Tuesday (I loved that he suggested the art gallery) because he's a nice guy, and has always initiated the texting/planning of dates. I just have to enjoy where things are at right now because after so many dates of not being interested in any of the guys I went out with this summer, it's so refreshing to have finally met one who I click with. Someone who I'm truly excited about. It almost makes up for all the other boring, blah dates I went on. Almost ;)

Friends with 25% Benefits? And Updates on Stock Market Guy...

2011-09-07T20:42:00.005-07:00

Another completely unrelated photo that I just love

I have a lot to talk about in this post. But I'm going to attempt to keep it short and not ramble on. These last few weeks of summer break were crazy and hectic: I got hired at a new cafe and love it so far, been starting classes again, seeing friends, and going on dates with 2 particular boys.

One is of course Ethan, the stock market guy. We'd gone out on a couple more dates, but, I just ended it, literally ten minutes ago.

I'd always felt weird about my feelings for him and last week's third date exacerbated that because he invited me over to his brother's new apartment to meet his two brothers and their friend. It was one of those situations where I couldn't back out of it because it was over the phone, and I couldn't exactly say, "yup I'm free! Oh wait, no if we're hanging out with your brothers then I'm not free..."

Ethan's brothers were all really nice to me, but I felt incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. It was just me and 4 guys, and I felt like I was being "tested" in a way to see if I could get along with the boys. And there was also the extremely awkward moment when his brother asked us how we met. Ethan just vaguely said, oh you know around. He sort of looked to me for help, but I just looked at him with this look of, I'm not helping you here idiot. I was just really mad at him that night because the whole "date" felt like a test and he didn't even think of letting me know beforehand that he'd lie about how we met. I would've been perfectly comfortable with saying that we met online, but it wasn't my call.

The night wasn't as horrible as I make it sound, since I'm just giving you the worst parts of it. There were some nice moments, like when it was just the two of us out on the patio. I was happy when it was those moments. But again, those moments were too short.

Anyways, Ethan texted and called me quite regularly after that date but each time when he would ask if I was free, I came up with an excuse. And today he finally asked me:

"Are you still interested in seeing me? It seems like you got freaked out or something at my brother's place..?"

I explained to him that I did feel uncomfortable and apologized to him for being a bit distant. He ultimately couldn't understand that I felt it was too soon to be meeting his brothers (he's super close with his brothers). So I said that we should stop seeing each other because we're too different...and that was the end of it. I went from feeling mad, to relieved, and then felt really guilty because ultimately, he was a nice guy.

I think I liked him but the thing is, I didn't like him enough. If I truly liked him, I wouldn't have distanced myself from him. I wouldn't have tried to find something wrong with him. I wouldn't be so distracted by other guys.

But I have been. And one of those guys happens to be Ari. I know, I'm a walking cliche by dumping the nice guy and going for the flakey jerk but I couldn't help it. He was the one guy out of all the guys I met here who I felt that instant chemistry with. I haven't been writing about Ari but he'd actually been texting me every week. Sometimes I wouldn't reply, sometimes I would. He kept asking me for a second chance and I realized that I did want to see him A LOT. But I went into it with these expectations: it's not for something serious, just a casual relationship. He's not boyfriend material at all, so just keep things light and fun. Because here's the thing, I'm 90% sure he's not looking for anything serious.

So I saw him last night. And if I'm going to be honest here: it was one of the best dates I've been on in a long time. The date itself wasn't that special but something about the sparks and excitement I felt was so refreshing. He drove us to the beach after we got coffee and we sat at a bench on the beach right at sunset. And we basically just talked and talked until it got dark. He's such a great conversationalist and he's probably one of the funniest guys I've ever met.

At the end of the date he drove me back home and he asked me when I was free again this week (Ari planning in advance is unheard of). He said that he was sorry that he was so flakey in the past and later when I got home, he texted me saying: it was really nice seeing you tonight.

Since then he's been texting me everyday, just sending cute texts like wishing me luck on my first day back at school and texting just to say good morning. The last time I felt this happy to receive so many texts from a guy was C, and it feels pretty nice. BUT, I still have to remember that this is different. Because Ari isn't looking for anything serious. He's looking for someone to "cuddle" with essentially. And he has so many negative attributes that I wouldn't be able to ignore in a potential boyfriend.

My friend Kelvin said in his usual no bs tone that we're probably going to end up as friends with benefits. But here's the thing, I can't exactly let it be friends with benefits because I'm still a virgin. But at the same time, I still want to have fun and I really enjoy spending time with him (which is partly because I'm insanely attracted to him). So is there a solution to this? Can I maneuver a sort of arrangement where it's fwb, but only 25% benefits? My friend G told me that he most likely expects that I won't be jumping into bed with him since I clearly give off this vibe that is the polar opposite of "easy" (I can't tell you how many people have told me that). She told me that I'm only 20 and should enjoy this single life the way I want to. But she also said to be careful to not be pressured into anything, and to not end up liking him too much. I'm definitely going to be following that advice. Maybe this can only end badly, maybe I'll end up liking him too much. But, right now I feel in control. And even though I'm having fun with Ari, I'm still keeping my other options open for guys with more serious potential (ex: I'll be seeing a very cute and athletic interactive designer this weekend!).

But readers, I want to know: what are your thoughts? Is this just a recipe for disaster?

Date #2 with Stock Market Guy: Weird Feelings

2011-09-01T23:25:00.003-07:00

Did I mention that I love mojitos?

In my last post, I talked about going out with the stock market guy, who I will call Ethan (I thought of abbreviating his nickname to SM guy, but that looked wrong). Ethan texted me two days after our date and asked if I wanted to hang out on the weekend. So far so good: I really enjoyed spending time with him on our first date, he texted me within a good time frame, and asked me out for a weekend date in advance (bonus points in my book!).

So we agreed to meet in front of my place at 8:30pm. I stepped out of my apartment in my favourite cream sweater and skinny jeans (for some reason I like to dress more casually on the first couple of dates). And as soon as I saw him walking towards me I felt...excited. Excited to see him, happy to be going on a date with him. I can't tell you how happy I was to be feeling those things again. Back in Italy whenever I would see C for our dates, we'd both be unable to hide huge grins on our faces whenever we first saw each other. From then on I promised myself that I would never just settle for someone who didn't make me smile like that.

Ethan suggested we get drinks at a restaurant that had views of the water so we walked along the seawall on an unusually warm night for our city towards the restaurant. He told me that he knew the chef of the restaurant, and I soon realized that he was one of those super friendly/talkative people who becomes good friends with chefs and waiters everywhere. When we got seated on the outdoor patio, the waitress recognized him. He told her to tell the chef that he said hi, and soon after, the chef came out and greeted us. I won't lie, it was all kinda nice!

As we had our drinks (a beer for him and a mojito for me), I again realized that we had a lot of things in common. Some were little, unimportant things but it just made the conversation flow that much better. He was a friendly, light-hearted, energetic guy. And the date was going well.

Near the end of the date he asked me if I had met a lot of other guys from the online dating site. I felt a little uncomfortable but just smiled and said that I had met a few guys but none that I was interested in enough to go on a second date with. He then said:

"Yea you're actually the first girl I've met from online. I got messages from some girls on there but none of them were ones that I was interested in. But you're really different from most of the girls on there you know. You're obviously pretty and you seem like a cool chick, I really like spending time with you."

I kinda felt a little squirmish as he was telling me this. He was being more open than what I'm used to on a second date, and I'm really horrible at taking compliments. So I resorted to what I usually do: laugh, be awkward, and promptly change the topic.

Later he paid for our drinks and he mentioned that he was going over to a friend's place to watch Breaking Bad. When I said that I had never seen the show but had heard that it was amazing, he asked if I wanted to join. I quickly (but politely) declined, mostly because I didn't want to meet his friends just yet. As we were walking out the restaurant he also mentioned that they were playing outdoor movies on Tuesday night at a park here and suggested we go to that. I gave him a vague answer and said that I might be seeing a friend that night so he told me to let him know.

At the end of the date he asked if I wanted him to walk me home but we were so close to my place that I said that it was okay (and I usually feel weird saying, yes walk me home please, to a guy).

When I came back home, I felt a little weird for some reason even though it was a really good date. I think I'm interested in him, yet I feel something holding me back and strangely I don't want to let myself like him. Is it because I don't like the way he dresses or that he sometimes seems a tiny bit silly for his age? I'm not sure, and this feeling is entirely foreign to me. With guys in the past it's always been black and white: I like the boy, or I don't like the boy. And if you haven't noticed yet, I don't like to waste any time with guys I'm not interested in. But with Ethan, I'm not sure. I know that I'm interested in him, that he has the potential to be something, and I'm excited to see him again, but I'm a little scared about letting myself like him for some crazy reason.

Anyways, I didn't call him on Tuesday to let him know if I wanted to go to that outdoor movie or not, I just wanted to stay in that night. So the next day he called me in the afternoon just asking how my day was going. It was a nice, casual phone conversation as he told me that he was eating sushi for lunch and I told him I was getting ready for work. It was surprisingly not awkward at all. And somehow I felt really comfortable and happy talking to him. Like talking to him on the phone about nothing at all felt so right.

When I told him how I was dreading my long shift at work, he asked if I wanted him to come by the cafe while I was working if it was a slow day. And then, I panicked again. I awkwardly said something obscure like how I would be doing a lot of closing duties since it was a closing shift and that I would be too busy...

I could sense that he sounded a little disappointed when I said that. So I tried to make things right by asking what he was doing on Friday. Because I did want to see him, just not while I was working. He said that he was free so we made tentative plans.

Nevertheless, I'm excited to see him tomorrow- no matter how much it may seem like I'm not. But I know, I'm weird. I'm not sure why I occasionally push him back like that. Maybe the thought of something actually working out for once scares me?

Updates on My Dates: The PhD Student, and The Stock Market Guy

2011-08-28T16:23:00.002-07:00

I love this photo for some reason, but have no idea where it's from!

It's been a little while since I've updated the blog, partly because I've been working a lot but also because the dates I've been on haven't been exactly...noteworthy. But a couple days ago things started changing in good ways and bad: I found out that I won't be working at the cafe anymore as of next week because the owner decided to sell the place and the new owners are employing their family members. I was surprisingly really disappointed when I found out. I grew to love my job in a short amount of time and I really liked all my co-workers.

Anyways, the day after I heard the news, I went on a date with a well-traveled, PhD student studying energy policy. He was tall and reasonably good looking as I expected, but I didn't feel any sparks with him yet again. I tried my best to be positive on the date but I just wasn't feeling any chemistry. And when that happens, I tend to just shut down. I realized that I was completely not into him when I was saying things like (all of which are true): I hate snow, I don't like hiking and nature, and at one point I think I said that I don't enjoy sports in general. I really sold myself there huh?

I was pretty certain that I wouldn't hear from him again after he realized how horrible of a person I was, but he actually called me two days after our date. I didn't pick up and so he left me a voicemail asking me if I wanted to go out with him to a new bar with live jazz music. I'd actually been to the bar before and it was actually a very nice bar, so I was impressed by his taste! But I knew I just didn't want to go out with him again. So I did the mature and polite thing of.....not calling him back.

I know, I suck. I'm not sure why I've been doing that with a lot of the boys I've been out with ever since I've been back from Italy. Well, that's not true. I know it's because I'm not interested in them. But I'm not sure why I'm so rude/cold about it, because I'm usually all about being mature and polite. The writer also texted me a couple days after our date asking me out for a second date. I've been really flakey with replying to his texts, and I've been telling him that I have to work whenever he suggests a day. Basically this has been a pattern in my dating life ever since I've been back home: go out with cute smart boy, find out I don't feel sparks on the date, boy calls/texts to ask me out for a second date, and I ignore said message. It's kind of disheartening and depressing.

So after that date with the PhD student I was starting to lose hope that I would never find someone who I felt the same chemistry with as I did with C back in Italy. To which my friend Kelvin said, hah I don't believe this for a second! Plus you've only been back home for 1.5 months. Give it some time, geez.

Well I decided to take his advice and try not to get discouraged. So two days ago I went out with another guy from online: a 27 year old successful, Irish/English guy working in the stock market. He was tall, kind of skinny, and looked young for his age. And surprisingly, this time the date felt different. It was far from perfect (he didn't pay for my coffee, and he was a little too talkative and a bit eccentric), but...I was actually enjoying myself! I was almost in disbelief that I was actually happy to be on this date rather than wishing I was back home watching tv with my dog. I couldn't figure out why I was drawn to him though. He wasn't as cute as I was expecting from the pictures, and I really hated his suit (he met me for coffee straight after work). Ouch, I realize how superficial that just made me sound, but hopefully you see what I mean.

We took a walk around the beach, and I soon realized that we had some big things in common. The first one being that we both love traveling often (we had the same favourite city: New York City), we love hunting down good restaurants, and we're both city people. All throughout the date he would mention a restaurant and he would suggest that he take me there sometime. I found it a little funny that he talked about future dates quite often because guys usually steer away from that on a first date. And I continued to notice that he said a lot of things that you're usually not supposed to talk about on a first date (such as how he hadn't been dating since February ever since he broke up with his long term girlfriend). It was a little TMI, but yet I wasn't wanting to run away from the date. Which meant that I was, dare I say, interested in him. A vast improvement.

At the end of the date he gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek, and texted me a few minutes after saying it was nice to meet me. Two days after our date, I got another text from him asking me out for a second date on the weekend. And you know what? For the first time in a while, I was actually a little excited to see a text from a boy. This time I replied...

My Date With The Writer

2011-08-14T23:59:00.002-07:00

Hopefully I'll be a latte expert by the end of this summer

This week has been a good week. I got a job working as a barista at a cute, fancy cafe with a view of the water and there's been a few more interesting guys who've been messaging me. I was feeling a bit frustrated and disappointed by the dating scene in my city last week, but as always with dating, things can change quickly. Case in point: yesterday I went out on a date with a cute writer/English teacher. He messaged me a few days ago and I liked that he seemed smart (he just finished a master's degree in creative writing), mature, and had an interesting profile. After only 2 days of messaging, he asked me out for drinks and I happily agreed. I appreciated that he went straight to the point instead of messaging back and forth for weeks on end. But I had to work on one of the nights he suggested so we met up for coffee during the day instead (as you can tell by now I much prefer coffee on first dates rather than drinks for some reason).

So I met him at one of my favourite cafes and as I approached the cafe I saw him waiting outside sitting at one of the tables. He was tall and pale with nice blue eyes and blonde-ish hair. He had on nice glasses with cool frames, and was dressed in a blue shirt with a sweater. I thought, oh he's definitely cute.
But, then he started talking. And there was something I noticed about his voice: it wasn't a deep, masculine voice. Instead it was slightly feminine and (I don't mean this in an offensive way) he sounded slightly gay. Like if I had met him at a bar, I would maybe wonder if he was actually gay.

So that was a bit of a surprise, but it was minor in the scheme of things so I chose to look past it as we got our coffee and went out for a walk. At first I thought that he was a bit boring and awkward. I thought to myself, oh boy here goes another one of those uncomfortable, boring dates...

But then something happened. He quickly started to become much more talkative and comfortable around me. And, I was actually starting to enjoy myself. We sat at one of the benches in front of the sea wall and talked a lot about where we've traveled to, music tastes, what types of novels he's writing at the moment, and he told me about how he taught English in Asia for a year after he finished his bachelor's.

At first I stereotyped him as one of those boring English majors but he proved me wrong because he actually made me laugh a lot as we were sitting at that bench. And that's when I started looking past his slightly-too-feminine voice and started seeing him as a funny and genuinely interesting guy. I can't say that I felt sparks and an instant chemistry with him right away but, I was really intrigued by him and I felt comfortable around him, in a very good way. He wasn't Mr. Charming but he was charming in his own way and mature yet funny at the same time.

Eventually I had to go back home to get ready for work and then he said something that I really liked. I told him that it was nice meeting him and he said:

It was really nice to meet you too, I actually mean that. Do you want to meet up again sometime for a drink?

When he said this, he said it with such a genuine cute look on his face. It's hard to explain but it was just so refreshing to hear something so direct and honest from a boy on only the first date. I smiled and said that meeting up again would nice. So he gave me a hug and we parted ways.

I can't say that I'm head over heels for the guy but I'd definitely be interested in seeing him again, since he did slightly grow on me throughout the date. But there's one thing that bothered me about him besides his voice: he might not be the chivalrous type. He didn't pay for my coffee (I wasn't standing in front of him in line so logistically speaking it was a bit difficult for him to do so but still), and he didn't offer to walk me back home. Chivalry in a guy is something I really look for, especially ever since I got back from Italy. But I'll give him another chance to see if things change.

Overall, this was a good first date. And it regained my hope that there actually are some decent guys in my city. But I'll just have to decide if that voice is a deal breaker or not... Thoughts and opinions?

1 Ticket Back to Europe Please

2011-08-08T23:54:00.001-07:00

These past couple weeks were hectic: some more road trips, hiking, family dinners, and nights out with friends. But no dates!

I didn't particularly notice the lack of dates these past 2 weeks, but on Saturday night my friend invited me out with a group of her banker friends to a club downtown and this was when I suddenly realized how disappointed I was with the dating scene in my city. They were all recent graduates from the same school my friend K and I go to, so they were all a couple years older than us. I was looking forward to meeting them when K told me that they were all "smart and successful." So I got dressed up and when I was putting on my heels, I realized that this was my first night actually going out clubbing since I got back from Italy. In Milan I went out probably at least once a week and it was always a guaranteed great night. But the nightlife here is not that great (especially compared to Milan) hence the reason for me staying in more.

But I was still somewhat looking forward to going out with K that night because all her finance friends sounded pretty interesting. When we got to the entrance of the club there was a huge line up. Luckily, one of the guys bought a table so we got to skip the line and headed straight to the "vip table" (does anyone else hate saying that word?). I got introduced to all of K's friends and they were all friendly....but definitely not the handsome bankers that I had pictured in my head. And it didn't help that they were all drunk.

After chatting with a few of them, three of the guys kept grabbing my hand and asking me to dance with them throughout the night. I politely declined every time but they were still very touchy and their "flirting" techniques were just...sad. They were your typical nerdy boys who couldn't handle more than two drinks in their system. And I can't tell you how awkward I felt that night: on the one hand I didn't want to be rude to any of K's friends, but on the other hand I just didn't want to dance with them and they didn't seem to understand the concept of "no".

Leaving the table and going out on the dance floor wasn't so great either. There were some good looking guys, but they weren't the ones that approached me of course. I danced with maybe 2 of the guys that asked but as soon as I started dancing with them I regretted it.

It was otherwise an okay night because I did have fun with K and her girl friends, but I was just so disappointed by the guys there. I was simply just not attracted to any of the guys who approached me and by the end of the night I just felt a sense of disappointment when I realized that the boys I'm attracted to, and the boys I attract never match up here. By the end of the night all I could think was: I miss being in Europe.

When I was in Italy, I think I got approached by a guy I was attracted to every time I went out. Even if some of the Italians weren't drop dead gorgeous, they were still very charming in the way they approached girls. C and the other boys I went out with were all cute, charming, and chivalrous. When I changed my online dating profile to London I was surprised to receive messages from cute students at LSE, handsome Harvard lawyers, and good looking bankers.

But, I'm not getting any of that here.

I wasn't impressed by any of the boys at that club, and they're certainly not as much cute, smart boys messaging me after I've changed my location back. With some of the decent guys who have messaged me, it's either fizzled out, they suddenly stop replying (even though they initiated the conversation first), or they end up being just plain creepy.

I can't help but wonder why the dating scene is so frustrating for me here. I know part of it's because I've become a whole lot pickier now, but still. How I can I have so much better luck on one continent and be utterly dateless on another? I see my friends get approached by cute guys all the time and yet it doesn't happen to me.

My guy friend Kelvin (always the insightful one) told me that he thinks I'm not meeting anyone I like because I'm looking for a clone of C, the boy I met in Milan. Maybe. I'd like to think I'm over him but I'd be lying if I said I haven't wondered what would've happened if I didn't have to leave Italy so soon.

I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut right now, and this was exactly what I was afraid would happen. I know I should be a little more patient since it's only been a month since I've been back, but for some reason I'm not patient when it comes to this stuff. Do I just keep waiting or do I have to do something to change the dilemma I'm in here?

Where's The Spark?

2011-07-25T23:47:00.002-07:00

Scenes from the weekend :)

Last week I went on an impromptu road trip with my close friend T and it was a relaxing weekend of swimming, wine tastings, roadtrip music, and spa lounging. Over many glasses of wine, I told my friend T about Ari and M and asked for her advice. We've known each other for years so she had no problems telling me to: snap out of it, forget Ari, and give M more of a chance. (She even told me: you only like him because he reminds you of Ari Gold!)

The thing is, earlier in the week I canceled my dinner date with M last minute (again) because I was feeling a little under the weather that day. He was understanding and told me to text him when I got back from my road trip. Part of me wondered if I canceled because I was legitimately feeling tired or because I just wasn't that excited to see him.

But nevertheless, I decided to take my friend's advice and go for it, since there was no harm in one more date to see if something was there. So I texted him when I came back home and he suggested we get dinner. He drove over to my place (a bit far for him) and when I came out of my apartment to meet him, right away I knew something was missing: I just didn't feel any excitement when I saw him and I was almost dreading the next few hours. But I tried to push these feelings aside since I agreed to a dinner with him and I didn't want to be a horrible date.

He suggested we go to a nice seafood restaurant right on the water (one of my favourite restaurants actually), but when we got there it was too busy so we settled on a super casual Greek place near the beach. He asked what I wanted and suggested we take the food to-go to eat on the beach. I agreed and then he swiftly paid for everything (unlike what happened on our first date). We stood outside and waited for our food when he excused himself to go to the washroom quickly. I took this time to check my phone as I stood with other waiting customers when I noticed this one nerdy but cute guy next to me constantly glancing over at me. I figured he was just confused about where to wait for the food or something. But when the waiter came out a few times to call out the order numbers with the food, guy-who-kept-looking-at-me actually turned to me and said, "We should just take any order and say it's ours!" in a jokey way with a cute smile on his face. I laughed and then we made a few more funny exchanges back and forth. It felt like he was being a bit flirtatious though so I tried not to talk too much since I knew M would be coming out soon. And that's when I realized: I was having more fun talking about Greek kebabs with this random guy rather than the actual date I was on with M. And of course, cute guys never talk to me in situations like that but when I'm on a date, it happens.

The rest of the date was okay but again, I just wasn't feeling any sparks. After we ate the parking meter was almost up so M and I walked back to his car/my place. I was a little nervous that he would try to kiss me at the end of the date but thankfully he just gave me a hug. Come to think of it, I probably could've safely assumed that he wouldn't kiss me since I was a pretty closed off on the date and he probably sensed that something was off too.

When I got back home, I somehow felt happy. I'm not sure if it was because I was just relieved that the date was over and was back home relaxing in my pj's with my dog, or because it was finally crystal clear to me that I wasn't into M. I realized that this "spark" is something that I need and I can't just force it. I thought I could convince myself that I could date a guy who was good on paper and not have the chemistry be so important, but after this I've realized that I do really need it.

After feeling really relieved right after that date, I'm now feeling a little down. I'm feeling down because I miss feeling that chemistry and excitement I get from only truly liking a guy. It made me think back to how I felt when I was going out with C back in Italy: I would get so happy when I would see a text from him, I was never able to hide a smile when I would see him waiting in front of a cafe for our dates, and the attraction was there the minute I met him that night he approached me. I just want to feel that again, and I want it to be mutual like it was with C. With Ari, I did sort of feel that nervous excitement that I'm missing with M but I don't think it's completely mutual. He's texted me a couple more times since he's been back but I just don't think he's putting in enough effort because I don't think he's interested enough.

My friend T wondered if I'm being too picky and she thought that Ari seemed to be putting in enough effort. I'll be the first to admit, I'm being completely and utterly picky right now. What I forgot to mention is that I'm not just looking for that chemistry, but there's also a list of "requirements." The guy I date has to be smart, dresses well, and if he's not in a good school right now, he has to be graduated with a successful career, living in his own place in a decent neighborhood. I was never like this before, and I think it's partly because my traditional parents have constantly pressured me into believing that these things are important. And maybe also because C and some of the guys I met in Europe fulfilled all these requirements. I know my list right now is a bit excessive but I think it's safer that I stay with this list or else I know I'll go back to liking bad boys again.

So right now there's no more dates lined up but lately I've somehow been getting a lot of messages from European guys (who've moved to my city for jobs) and if all goes well, I think I might be seeing at least one of them soon... so here's to hoping that I'll find that spark sometime soon !

My Dating Progress: 1 Step Forward, 1 Step Back

2011-07-19T00:04:00.000-07:00

Realized while watching Glee re-runs that M looks a lot like this guy

In my previous post you read that I've been trying to take a different approach to dating: going for nicer guys who I'm more compatible with. Chemistry is definitely still part of the equation but for now I'm letting that come second behind more important things. Have I been keeping up with this resolution so far? Sort of.

It started off well when I agreed to go on a date with a boy who messaged me last week. He was 27, had an engineering related job, enjoyed surfing and hockey, and was Asian but grew up in Brazil for part of his life. Now, I note his ethnicity because here's one secret about me that I'm a little ashamed to admit: I've very rarely been attracted to a guy of the same ethnicity as me. I have no idea where this stems from, and it's not like I actively avoid Asian guys- I've just never viewed them in the romantic sense. I know part of it is because I've lived in North America all my life, so I'm as you call it white-washed. But I also wonder if it's because I see it as a way to "rebel" against my traditional parents. My parents have always expressed that they prefer that I marry someone of the same race as me, and when I was much younger I think I purposely didn't like Asian guys just to "annoy" them.

So I've decided to be more open to dating guys I don't usually go for. And when this guy (who I'll call M) asked me out for coffee last week I agreed! But here's what happened before the date: I cancelled and asked if we could reschedule (because I was getting cold feet), and I realized that I didn't even bother with trying to make myself look "pretty" (ie: putting on makeup, choosing the right outfit, etc). Before my date with Ari Gold, I remember feeling nervous and kept wondering if my hair looked okay, etc. But for my date with M, I just wore jeans and a cashmere sweater, and didn't even put makeup on.

I stepped into the cafe feeling weird about everything, and then I saw him. He came up to me dressed in a nice plaid shirt, and he was really tall and had a bit of a tan. I thought to myself, ok this won't be too bad.

We stood in line to order our coffee as we made small talk, but he all of a sudden excused himself to go to the washroom. I was like, uh okay. So I basically paid for my own coffee. Not the best time to go to the washroom if you ask me. He came back and when I was sitting down waiting for the barista to make my latte he asked me, oh did you already order? I wanted to say to him: of course I did! I'm not going to awkwardly stand out of line waiting for you to pay for my drink (even though that's what I expect you to do on the first date)!

Thankfully, that was the only minor hiccup. Although he wasn't as talkative and funny as Ari, I definitely enjoyed our conversations. He told me about his job and about his childhood in Brazil and he asked me about my exchange to Italy. At one point, I sneaked a look down at his shoes (I always do this on dates) and he was wearing trendy black sneakers- perfect if you ask me.

I can't say that I felt sparks, but I was still having a decent time. And for some reason, I couldn't help but think that we looked "right" together as 2 people out on a date. I'm not saying that because we're both Asian, but I just felt this level of compatibility that was much higher than what I’ve been used to with past boys. When I was out with Ari, I kept thinking that we would look 'unusual' together to bystanders because we're so different (I know, I definitely care way too much what random strangers think).

After a while I told him I had to go and he offered to walk me home. Actually he didn't offer, he simply said: okay I'll walk you home. Other guys I've gone out with always ask if I want them to walk me home and I feel a little awkward saying, yess I need you walk me home please! But M took the initiative and just said that he would, which I liked. But, he had parked his car much further in the opposite direction and he had also gotten a leg injury while playing hockey so I didn't want to make him walk even more.

So he gave me a hug and15 min after our date, he sent me a text:
"It was good to meet you S! We should meet up again, if you're up for it."
When I showed my friend H the text from M, she pointed out that all the guys I've gone out with so far have all sent me a text within 10 min after the date, except for Ari (he texted me 2 days after). I'm not sure how I feel about that.

The next day, what happens? Ari texts me telling me that's back from his trip tomorrow and asks if I'm free to hang out the same day. I had told myself not to give him another chance, what did I do? I gave him another chance.

I told him that tomorrow wouldn't work but asked if Sunday worked instead. He didn't reply (shocker) but then on Sunday he texted saying that couldn't because of hockey. Then the next day he called me but I missed his call so I texted back (because I was out with friends). He asked if I was free sometime this week and once again we're having communication and scheduling difficulties. I know it shouldn't be this hard. I just don't get why he keeps asking me out but it just never happens.

Then that same day M texted me again (two days after our date) and asked if I was free for dinner sometime in the next couple days. His text was direct, to the point, and it was easy to make plans with him. None of this "I'll let you know the day of" crap. When we agreed on a day, he said: "Sounds good. I'll come pick you up at 7 on Wed :)" Simple as that, the way it should be.

Basically this week has been a lot of steps forward but also a few stumbles back. So I would say that my dating progress has stayed around the same. I can't promise myself that I'll completely ignore any future texts from Ari, but for now I'm going to try and not overanalyze things and instead just look forward to my dinner date with M..

Choosing Attraction over Compatibility

2011-07-12T23:54:00.002-07:00

It's been about 3 weeks since I've been back from Italy and while it's been great being back home I still really miss Milan and all the friends I made there! I've been spending these past few weeks catching up with all my friends, going back to my volunteer job, and of course getting back to the North American dating scene.

I changed the location of my online dating profile recently and the prospects have been looking pretty good. I was receiving lots of messages from a wide range of guys (which I think is one of the best advantages of online dating) and one of them who messaged me caught my eye for some reason: a 25 year old marketing guy who grew up in the same snobby neighborhood I grew up in. He just seemed like a funny, active, and very social guy and I found his profile interesting. But I could also tell that he could potentially be the type that likes to just party all the time, living off his rich Jewish family.

He was pretty persistent in asking me out so I thought I would give it a try. When we were planning when to meet, however, a bunch of red flags came up (red flags that I shouldn't have ignored). He seemed hopelessly flakey and just had this complete inability to plan things in advance. But he still consistently tried to meet up with me so I gave him a chance, ignoring my gut feeling that he probably wouldn't be a suitable guy for me to date.

So last week we finally met for coffee and the date went unexpectedly well. He came in his nice car smelling of cologne and we walked along the sea wall after he bought me a latte. Physically, he was my type. He actually kind of looked like a younger version of Ari Gold (now you know my sometimes weird taste in boys hah). And he just seemed like less of a partying douchebag and more of a fun, nice guy. I was attracted to his confidence and he just really knew how to carry on a good conversation (even if he talked a little too much about his ex-girlfriends, one of whom was apparently a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader). But at the back of my mind I reminded myself to keep my guard up because I wasn't entirely convinced that he wasn't a partying player.

The date ended with him saying: "it was nice meeting you- text me if you want to hang out tomorrow!" Even though I did want to see him again I definitely wasn't going to make the first move. So I waited, and then he texted me 2 days after our date asking me out again. Although my gut was telling me that this guy might be bad news I couldn't help but feel a little excited that he asked me out again. So I ignored the smart part of my brain telling me: You two have almost nothing in common. He's just a party boy whose flakey and probably not looking for anything serious.

But as we were planning the second date over text msgs, it seemed like he was going to be a lot less flakey this time and he seemed really eager to see me again. He suggested we watch a movie at his place and when I hesitated he said that he could pick me up in his car so that I wouldn't have to bus. He didn't seem like a potential serial killer so I agreed with the plans. But then things went a little off: when I agreed that we could watch a movie at his place he said, "okay good then we can maybe cuddle too!" He seemed to be really enthusiastic about cuddling and even asked me "what kind of cuddler" I was. My response was something along the lines of are you joking right now/this is weird, and I think he sensed that I wasn't an avid cuddler. But I chose to brush off the weirdness of the conversation and told him to call me tomorrow to confirm plans.

Well the day of the date came and he didn't call me. I texted him at around the time we had tentatively agreed to meet and asked if he was still at work since he had told me that he could end up working overtime. I then got this beauty of a text from him:

"Well for one I hate it when txts don't send ! I'm in --- right now, I had to fly out at 9am. I'll be here until Mon, I'm sorry I tried sending a text earlier and I thought it went through but I guess it didn't. Can we reschedule for next week?"

I was pissed. I wasn't sure how much of it was true and whether the entire thing was a lie or not. If it was true I knew that he hadn't flown out for work or a family emergency since there's a huge event/party going on in this particular city for this week. I decided that I won't be replying back to his text and I wouldn't be too surprised if I never heard from him again. Part of me wonders if he just wanted an easy hookup and when he realized that I wasn't going to be that "easy" (after the whole conversation about cuddling), he decided that it wouldn't be worth it to see me again.

I wasn't particuarly disappointed that he had bailed, but I was more disappointed in myself for ignoring my gut feeling this entire time. I chose to respond to his texts and go out with him while I ignored well thought-out messages from nice boys, who I would probably have been more compatible with, simply because I didn't think the physical chemistry would be there. And while attraction and chemistry is important, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot by always going for the more "exciting" guys who I might not have much in common with but am simply more attracted to.

Lately I've wondered why I've been meeting so many boys that only seem to be interested in me for one reason, and I think I've finally figured out why: because I only go for guys who interest me on a superficial level. And I really want to get out of that cycle because seriously, going out with a guy who only wants you for one thing sucks. It sucks and I know I deserve something better than that.

So, I started by agreeing to meet up with one of the nice guys who messaged me this week. Physically he's not my type but we share a lot in common so I want to see how this goes. Worth a try, no?

Ending To an Amazing 5 Months

2011-06-26T14:07:00.006-07:00

Today is my last day in Milan. In a few hours I'll be on a flight back home and I honestly can't believe that the end is already here. I know for a fact that I'll be a little teary-eyed on the taxi ride to the airport (sorry in advance to the cab driver who'll have to go through an awkward 45 minutes).

These past 5 months have been the time of my life and I'm so grateful that I was able to experience this. I remember last year when I was considering going on exchange and having so many doubts about living in a foreign country away from home, family, and friends. I remember thinking that I wouldn't actually be able to go through with this and at certain points I wondered if it would even be worth it.

But boy am I glad that I decided to overcome those stupid doubts and fears. I met so many amazing people during this experience and I'll truly miss the friends I made here. The closeness of some of the friendships I formed here surprised me, I wasn't expecting to bond this closely with so many types of people from different countries. And even though many of us live so far apart, I know that a handful of them will be lifelong friends. I wanted to make a list of the people that I was closest with during my exchange. This part won't make any sense to you readers so feel free to skip this part below:
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SK- One of the first friends I met here and hands down the person I am closest with. I remember feeling so comforted by you when I was nervous during my first week. Won't forget our first day trip to Bologna and how quickly we became friends. Had so many cool experiences together and loved how we could have fun anywhere we went (even in some sketchy ass places). I felt like we were sisters because we had so many things in common and both loved the same things (good food, random blogs) and hated the same things (humid weather, traveling in large groups). I don't think my exchange would've been half as great if I hadn't met you here. I know we'll hang out again soon!
SS- I'm so glad to have you met you through S. Hanging out as the "Three S's" was always the highlight of my time here and it felt like we've known each other for years . Taught me how I want to be treated by boys (I learned a lot just from watching you hah) and to just not care so much about what others think. When I first met you I thought you were just a really pretty girl but soon realized that you have so many qualities that I really admired. You invited me out to so many different events and I always had a great time! Thanks for being there for me always.
IO- This was such an unexpected friendship because we are SO different but I'm so glad that we met on that first day at the tram stop. Welcomed me with open arms (and vodka from Russia) and most of my most fun, craziest nights exploring Milan nightlife were with you. Admired your confidence whenever you stepped into a room (or club hah). We had so many "deep" conversations that I couldn't share with most others and you truly made my experience in Italy so much more adventurous.
CS- I mean this when I say you were the best roommate a girl could ask for. I initially thought you didn't really want to be friends but soon found out that you were just a little shy (like me!). I loved that when I would come home after long days you would be there and we could vent to each other about the inconveniences and problems of living in Italy. I'll really miss the countless aperitivos we went to, staying up and waking up late, and just having you as a roommate period. You were probably the warmest and kindest person I met here. Truly glad that we're from the same city.
C- Despite some arguments, I'm happy we met and what we had even if it was short. Your persistence made me feel special and you made me realize what kind of guy I want to be with now and how I want to be treated as a girl. Your cute text messages and the dates you took me on made my experience in Italy that much better. And although I don't really know if we'll continue to keep in touch and stay "friends", I'm still glad we met.
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The night before leaving home, I had promised myself that I wouldn't let Milan kick my ass. And I can proudly say that I didn't let that happen hah. I was able to fully appreciate this great city 100%, going to all its yummy restaurants, bars, shopping areas, pretty neighborhoods, clubs, parks, etc. It's kinda cool to know that I can move to a foreign country without knowing anyone and create a new lifestyle here.

I'm also a little worried to be honest. I'm worried that I'm going to be bored out of my mind when I go back home and go through a type of post-vacation depression. I'm worried that I'll hate living with parents since I really enjoyed the freedom of living on my own here. But that's just me, always over-thinking and worrying about things and most of the time for no reason since it always works out in the end.

My friend asked me if I thought I changed at all from this exchange experience. I thought about it a lot and I think I have. I've become more outgoing and definitely a lot more independent. I think in a way I broke out of my shy shell and I'm a bit more, dare I say, confident now.

I'm glad that I mustered up the courage to come to Italy. I came here in February nervous, knowing nobody, and timid. And now I'm leaving here in June with new friends, memories, and as a more confident and independent person.

"If you ever come back to Italy, I'm here."

2011-06-20T14:36:00.002-07:00

That was told to me by C, the Italian finance student- among many other sweet things that cleared a lot of stuff up for me. We've stopped seeing each other for a while now but we still keep in touch regularly. Looking back on it now I think he may have been the first guy I truly liked. Darn.

Italian Boys: Five Things I've Learned About Them

2011-06-20T05:24:00.002-07:00

After a good 5 months of living in Milan, I didn't learn much as much Italian as I hoped I would (everyone speaks pretty good English here!) but I did learn quite a lot about Italian guys from the dates, dinner parties, and clubs/bars that I went to.

A lot of the stereotypes you hear about Italian guys are actually pretty true, to an extent. Obviously this list I'm about to write doesn't apply to all Italians but it's just some common characteristics that I've come across :)

1. They're very enthusiastic, outgoing, and affectionate even with people they've just met.
This is something that I really love about Italians, but the affectionate part caught me off guard when I first arrived since I'm kinda big on personal space. They'll give you the kiss on both cheeks when first meeting, or kiss your hand, and then they'll repeatedly touch your arms, put their hands around you, and touch your face as they're making conversation. Sometimes this is done in a flirtatious manner but a lot of the times this is just something that comes naturally to them!

2. At clubs and bars, they will sometimes try to bacio (kiss) you within 10 minutes of meeting!
I wish I was exaggerating on this one, but it's true. I can't tell you how many boys here have tried to kiss me just minutes (literally) after first meeting. It usually goes like this:
Italian Guy: Ciao! [kiss on both cheeks] Where are you from?
Me: Canada
IG: Canada?! Woww, I was in Toronto last year. What's your name?
Me: [say my name]
IG: I'm Matteo, nice to meet you! Do you want to dance?
[5 minutes later his face comes super close to yours and tries to kiss you. If you move your face back, he'll smile and say "we kiss no?"]
This definitely came to me as a shock when I first arrived in Italy! But Italians love the act of kissing and they'll do anything for just that one kiss from you. Which is sometimes annoying, but also a bit adorable in a way because I think kissing is a bit underrated and not appreciated enough by guys in North America.

3. They really enjoy the challenge of chasing after girls they are interested in.
Some of the Italian guys I met would ask me for my number and once I gave it to them, I would get texts from them every. single. day. With the ones I didn't particularly want to go out with, I would always say that I was busy or not even reply but they will still text you everyday until you say yes! The more disinterested you were, the more they would like you. In this sense, Italian guys really enjoy that challenge of "winning over" a girl with their charm (and persistence)

4. Even if they have a girlfriend, some of them still love to flirt.
I have to be careful in how I phrase this one since I don't want to make it seem like I'm saying that all Italian guys are cheaters. With some of the Italian guys with girlfriends, I don't think they even realize that they're being flirtatious because it's just their natural manner. But with some of the ones I met, it was pretty bad. For example, I was invited to a house party by some of the Italians at my school and when I was there, two Italian boys came up to me and asked for a threesome (they unfortunately weren't even joking around). I then found out that one of the boys had a girlfriend back home and so when he continued to hit on me I asked him, "Where's your girlfriend??" And he replied, "It doesn't matter where my girlfriend is. What matters is where you are !"

5. But still, many of them are still perfect gentlemen- like the ones you see in movies.
I know that given what I just wrote above, this might be hard to believe but I can honestly tell you that so many of the decent Italian boys I met were such great gentlemen. You can always expect them to be dressed perfectly for the occasion (you'll never see an Italian guy here dressed in sweat pants or hoodies) and if you're a girl, they will never ever let you pay for a thing. I remember when I was going out with C, he was telling me about his exchange in California and he told me this:
C: I couldn't believe how rude the American guys were to the girls!
Me: What do you mean?
C: I mean, they would let the girls pay for things when we were out! All my Italian friends and I were so shocked by that.

Haha kinda cute, no? Another thing that reminded me of the movies of charming Italian men was the romantic gestures the boys here make. It comes so naturally for them to tell you how bella/carina/bellissima you are, and they're text messages are borderline poetic. Italians have such a way with words, making even the most simplest things sound so much more beautiful. North American boys: if you're reading this, please take note!

So there's my list. I think it's safe to say that the boys here lived up to my expectations and even if they were too much at times, they definitely left a lasting impression. I could go on and on with this list, but should probably go back to studying for my final exams. This past week has been pretty uneventful since I've been stuck in my room studying. One thing that did happen though: C messaged me last night. Unexpected, and I'm not sure what he's trying to do again. But right now that's the last thing on my mind since I have 3 exams and just 3 weeks left in this beautiful country.

Errors in Judgement..

2011-06-17T01:52:00.007-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while! These past few weeks have been crazy busy (in a good way). In between final exams I've been going out for dinner parties, farewell parties, and continuing to enjoy life in Milan. My friends and I have been trying to savour every last second of our time here so we've been going out every chance we get!

Last night, we all went out to our favourite club for the last time which always gets better as the weather gets warmer since it has an outdoor dance floor. Initially it was supposed to be my 3 girl friends + my 1 guy friend, but his friend (M) also joined at the last minute. This friend was actually the first student I had met when I went to our school's welcome orientation. He was very charming, really attractive, and overall just seemed like a nice good guy. He was a Ph.D student and actually much older (30 years old to be exact, even though he didn't look that old). As we were talking over coffee after that orientation he mentioned that he had a long-term girlfriend so I just saw him as an acquaintance/friend.

We didn't hang out after that orientation day but I did see him a couple times when we were all out as group. And I even met his girlfriend, a really beautiful girl. But last night he came out alone as his girlfriend was on a trip to Greece.

Right from the beginning I could tell that things were just different with him. He was drinking a little more than he usually does and although he wasn't drunk, I could tell he was a bit tipsy.

When we were all dancing as a group at the beginning of the night, a really cute Italian boy came up to me and we started talking and dancing. He was actually possibly the cutest boy I've met here so far so I was enjoying it. After dancing he offered to buy me a drink and asked what I wanted. When I told him a gin n tonic he said in his charming Italian accent, "ah you should try a gin n lemon. I think you'll like it!" And I loved it! Ah everything about him was so cute and charming. But then his friends called him and told him that they had to leave so he reluctantly said good bye.

When I re-joined my friends, M asked me where my Italian boy had gone with a bit of a smile on his face. And then continuously throughout the night he was being a bit flirtatious, which at first I thought I was just imagining. But at some points, he would take my hand and we'd be dancing together but not close or anything like that.

Then near the end of the night, some of my girl friends had gone to sit in the lounging area and it was just me, M, and the guy friend. The guy friend all of a sudden said that he had to go to the washroom so it was just M and I on the dance floor. As soon as my friend left, M took my hand and he started dancing close to me. Really close. It definitely wasn't the innocent, fun dancing that friends do anymore. I knew what we were doing was wrong and I knew I should've just stopped him but I couldn't help but enjoy it in the moment. He was such a great dancer and the chemistry and tension was so obvious. I've danced with many boys here but when I was dancing with him it felt totally different. It felt so close and unexpectedly intimate.

It was getting really late and the last song came out, which was kind of a slow song. At this point we were so close that there were many points throughout the song when we almost kissed. We were both wanting to but both knew it shouldn't happen. But then the song ended and after some awkward small talk, he leaned in for a kiss. And I let him. It was just a really short peck but still a kiss. He smiled at me and then took my hand as we re-joined our friends to leave the club.

My Russian girl friend (who was a bit tipsy) told me she briefly saw what happened and laughed about it saying, "Haha Oh S. I'm envious of you- he's such a handsome, cool guy. You know all our friends would be jealous right now." But then when I went to get my jacket, my guy friend came with me and I asked him if M had broken up with his girlfriend (I was 90% sure he hadn't but I thought I would ask anyways). He said to me,

"Yea, no he's still with her. It's okay, just don't mention anything happened to the others. You know when I left you guys to go to the washroom? That was b/c M asked me to. He told me, "S is looking so pretty tonight...Could you say you have to go to the washroom so that I can have a dance with her?"

I was shocked when my friend told me that. I had no idea that had happened and I had really mixed feelings about it. We quickly joined our friends again after I got my jacket and M, my guy friend, and Russian friend split a cab. M was in the middle seat next to me and we all just pretended nothing happened. But when my 2 other friends were talking with the taxi driver, M turned to me and the conversation went something like this:

M: Do you think we could keep this whole thing just between us?
Me: Yea of course [obviously I wasn't going to blab about this to his friends or his girlfriend who I don't know]
M: I kinda feel like an ass [he had a guilty look on his face]
Me: It's okay. You had a few drinks.
M: Yea but I'm not blaming it on that. I mean, it didn't happen just because of the alcohol...
Me: [freaking out] It's okay, let's just pretend this never happened!

M looked at me with a mix of a guilty face plus a slight smile, and I just kinda awkwardly laughed and talked about something else b/c this conversation was getting too uncomfortable for me. Then M got dropped off at his house while me and my 2 friends stayed in the taxi to get to our residence.

And that concluded my crazy night. I couldn't believe what had happened. I've never kissed a guy who has a girlfriend, nor have I ever kissed a guy who is that much older than me. I've been trying not to think about it too much but I'm still feeling a little guilty about everything that went down. I know I probably won't keep in touch with M since too much has happened, which is kind of sad because I think he would've been a good friend to keep in contact with. But we messed that up by giving into temptation that night.

I think I'll chalk this up to a learning experience. Back home, there were never that many prospects so I never got into any trouble. But here, I've found that there's always good looking boys approaching me. And I have to learn to be a little more smart about things like this!

Italian Finance Student: Ciao!

2011-05-29T01:52:00.006-07:00

Out with friends having gelato in my favourite area of Milan

C contacted me about 4 days after our whole "let's stop seeing each other" conversation, which I wasn't expecting at all since he had made it sound pretty clear that he didn't want to keep in touch. So when I wasn't as responsive to him as I usually am, he sensed this and said, "Well it seems like you really don't want to talk to me. You're being kinda cold right now.." I told him that it was because I was a bit unhappy with the way things ended and that I just wasn't expecting to hear from him so soon. He said, "Well if you were unhappy you would've contacted me. But you didn't. It's a bit weird isn't it?"

Um, no I didn't think it was weird at all. Things were escalating into another passive aggressive argument, until he said, "I really enjoyed spending time with you. Really, I mean that. I just don't know what else we could've done."

I told him that I would've been happy with us just hanging out and not necessarily have things go all the way, but that I knew he wouldn't have been. To which he replied: "I would've been happy. But still, something would've been missing.. It's just sad because I really liked your character, it's the perfect character for me since I'm the opposite. I think if we had met earlier in the year or we had the opportunity to meet again in the future, things would have worked out."

He then said: "Can't you come to Europe again next year? Or can you visit me in London this summer before you leave?" I told him that although visiting London would be nice, I reminded him that he'd be busy at work most of the time. He then said, "But on weekends I'm free! When do you leave Italy?" When I told him that I was leaving on the 26th, he replied: "Ohh. I've actually been trying to convince my team at work to start on the 27th instead of the 22nd because I was hoping to get a couple days of break right after my exams. So maybe we can stay together on those 5 days if I'm able to start later? Maybe we can go somewhere, like I could show you around Tuscany." Now I was getting tempted, I mean it sounds like an absolute dream really to be shown around Tuscany and traveling with a cute Italian boy.

But then he said, "but there's going to be some problems of course if we do go somewhere together. I mean, would we be sleeping together?" I told him: "Well that's something I would need to think about. And it's something I would only know by at least seeing you a few times beforehand if we were to actually go somewhere together. But I don't know how busy this exam month is going to be for you."

And then this is when C had a shift in tone that I didn't notice at the time but I now realize after reading our conversation: "Yea I'll be really busy unluckily. I don't know, we'll see.."

We didn't talk for almost a week since then, until just a couple days ago. We were talking and then I asked him if he had heard back from his job and he simply said: "Yea. They want me to start on the 22nd unfortunately." And that was it, no statements of disappointment that we weren't going to get to travel together or anything like that. In fact, he sounded pretty damn uninterested in the conversation, so after just a couple minutes of talking I said to him, "Well good luck on exams and with your job in London!" This was partly a test to see if he truly did or didn't want to keep in touch, and he confirmed the latter by saying, "Thanks. Have a safe flight back to Canada! Ciao!"

I felt angry at C and at the same time a bit hurt too when he said those words. I thought back on it and this is basically how I think his mind worked: He decided to give up after realizing that I wouldn't be sleeping with him before I leave and he had no intention of keeping in touch with me. Then he thought that maybe there was a slim chance, so he turned on his charm and pretended he did want to talk by messaging me. He thought he had won me back but then when I told him that I wasn't sure and would need think about it, he went back to giving up. And all along he didn't have much interest in keeping in touch. It took me a while, but I finally realized that he was a bit of a jerk, and sex was just the most important thing for him.

I'm feeling disappointed now, but I can honestly tell you that I don't regret this experience at all. As my friend told me, I got that cliche Italian experience of meeting a cute, charming Italian boy and got taken out all around Milan! Most of my exchange friends didn't meet any boys while they were here, and I wasn't even expecting to. It was fun to be in a short, "passionate" fling with an Italian boy even with its ups and downs. He's a young guy with certain "needs," so although he was a bit of a jerk I understand it somewhat. And I feel like I learned a lot from this experience too. I learned what it's like to date a guy from a completely different culture (it was kind of difficult at times!) and I learned more about myself too. C mentioned to me that although he liked my "character" he wished that I was a little "more passionate" at times. And I agree with that (even my mom and my friends are always telling me that I should be more enthusiastic and not be so shy in showing my emotions). And I'm in the perfect country to improve on that since the Italians are an amazingly enthusiastic and expressive group of people.

So I know it may sound silly but I feel like I can leave Italy content with everything I experienced because I truly did experience everything I wanted to, in terms of boys and everything else :)

How Things Are Going With the Italian Finance Student

2011-05-24T02:49:00.003-07:00

From The Sartorialist blog. This is really how the people in Milan dress every day!

I've spent the past couple weeks enjoying Milan and going out with friends for dinners, aperitivos, etc. and I've really come to love this city. A lot of my exchange friends don't like Milan so much because it's not a pretty city like say Paris or Rome, but I've really come to appreciate it here. There's always so much to do and it's probably why I haven't travelled every single weekend like some of my friends have. It's also because I like the lifestyle and the people here, and in particular one boy of course, C (the Italian finance student from the same school I go to). But I'm not sure if I should be saying this in the past tense now because there's been problems, and I'm not sure if I will for sure see him again.

In the past few weeks, things were going really well with him. He texted me almost every day, which at first I found a little annoying but then I started to like him, so I enjoyed reading those cute texts from him. He took me out for aperitivos, drinks, "the best gelato in Milan" (according to him) and we would walk around the nice areas of Milan at night. One night when we were walking around the Duomo, I had this sudden realization: Wow am I really on a date walking around the streets of Italy with a cute Italian boy who I actually like? Back in February when I was walking these same streets with my mom, I daydreamed that I would maybe meet a charming Italian boy here and have him show me around. But I doubted this would actually happen since my luck with boys has always been abysmal. But there I was eating gelato with an Italian boy walking around the city!

Even though we only went out on 4 dates, a lot of the times C acted like we were an actual couple. Maybe it's just the standard in Italy but the talking every day with each other and some little arguments we had made it seem like we were more than just casually dating. And one thing I noticed about C is that he's very honest. He'd tell me exactly how he's feeling, which is a trait I like about a lot of Italians. Once when I went out to a club with some friends he even told me that he felt kinda jealous, wondering if I would meet another guy there. I thought that it was too soon for him to be feeling jealous but as my friend said, "Well...most people do feel jealous when they know that someone who they're seeing is seeing other people. It's just that most people don't vocalize those thoughts."

Because C was always so honest and open, we did occasionally get into some misunderstandings. Many of which were more based on cultural differences I think. There were some instances where we just didn't "get" each other, like that time on the first date when he tried to kiss me. I let him kiss me but I didn't let him make out with me, and I would say that in North America, not making out on the first date is standard for a lot of people. But in a country like Italy where the people are very affectionate and passionate, the standards might be different. I realized why C might've felt "rejected" (as he told me) when I saw a lot of Italian couples making out like crazy in libraries, busy streets, cafes, etc.

C must have been feeling like he had to be really cautious after that because he didn't try to kiss me on the next few dates! This time I actually wanted him to kiss me (unlike on the first date when I wasn't feeling as comfortable around him), but he never did. Then, last week I received this surprising text message from him:

"I'm sorry S, but I'm not feeling happy with the way things are going between us. It's just that I feel like I'm 15 years old..."

It was a bit out of the blue so I was naturally quite confused. I asked him why he thought that and he said: "It's just that all we do is hang out, talk, walk around, and that's it. I hope you see what I mean.." Yea, I knew exactly what he meant. I reminded him that he was always the one that suggested we go out and walk around, and that he never initiated anything. To which he said: "That's not true, I tried to kiss you but you rejected me for a kiss. I hope you can see what I didn't dare try to do anything more after that."

There was a lot of back and forth in this conversation. But basically he said:
"I really enjoy spending time with you. But at the same time, I'm 22. You're leaving in 1 month and to me it seems like you need more time than that. And I can't wait for you forever. I'm not saying it's wrong, but I just don't think it's going to work between us because of these reasons."

I felt a mix of emotions when he said those things. At first I was a little frustrated since we both really liked each other, and then I felt a bit hurt. He seemed like such a nice guy that I didn't see him as the type to be like, "I'm not getting what I need. And I really need it. So, it's not gonna work out." As my best guy friend said, this was really a problem of differences in needs and wants. I was perfectly happy with spending time with C and not necessarily have things go all the way before I left, but he needed that. And as a young guy, I can understand it somewhat. But it still sucked nonetheless.

C also asked me if he could ask me a personal question. I told him he could, knowing exactly what the question would be. He asked if I was a virgin and I told him yes. There was a bit of a lull in the conversation after I answered and he asked what I was thinking about. I didn't think it was the best idea for me to tell him exactly what I was thinking but I figured I would be honest with him, "It's just that I'm waiting until I feel ready. And maybe at certain points I did think that maybe I was ready. But I just didn't think you would want to be that person."

I was a little embarrassed that I actually shared that with him but I thought why not, since he had always been so open with me. He replied to this saying "Well I think you're pushing yourself. Of course, I would love to be that person. But you're leaving in 1month and I don't think things can continue after you leave. So how can I be that person?"

I said that he was right and that I wasn't thinking about it long term like that. Finally the conversation ended with him saying that it was really nice getting to know me and wished me good luck on everything. It really felt like we were breaking up even though we weren't a couple. But on an emotional level, things got more serious than what I'm used to so it really did feel like a break up of sorts!

So I was feeling kinda unhappy the next few days, especially given that I was getting used to him texting me everyday and now he wasn't anymore. And I of course thought this was totally the end of things. But then he messaged me yesterday (4 days after the whole "let's not see each other anymore" conversation). And things just got a whole lot more complicated. It was quite a long conversation so I'll talk about it in the next post!

How Will I Ever Leave Europe (and the boys here?)

2011-05-11T04:59:00.008-07:00

Picture I took in Paris from a few weeks back :)

Last week marked my fourth month here in Italy and there's really only one way to describe these past four months: simply incredible. So far, my exchange experience has literally been the best time of my life and I can't believe that I only have less than 2 months left. It's funny to think back to my first week here when I was feeling homesick and lonely and how much everything's changed since then.

I'm thinking about the day I have to leave Milan and how I'll feel when I get back home. To be honest, I'm truly not looking forward to going back home. Of course, I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and family when I get back but I thought about going back to my usual lifestyle and I just don't know how I'll adjust getting back to the swing of things after having such an amazing time here.

The main thing I'll miss is all the people I've met here. I've bonded with friends from all over the world and it makes me really sad to think that I won't be able to see most of them after this is over.

Another thing I'll miss, is the boys here (of course). I thought back to all my experiences and I've really been spoiled by the charming boys in Italy. They've invited me to their homes for dinner parties where they cook delicious pasta and serve me good wine. They've taken me out on dates and shown me all the beautiful neighborhoods of Milan. They've always opened doors for me, and they've always paid for everything even when it's not a date.

I guess the reason why I'm feeling all sad and emotional right now is partly because three weeks ago, I met a boy.

I was at a club that's popular with the students at my school and while I was dancing with my friends, a cute well-dressed Italian boy came up to me and started talking to me. Most Italian guys at the clubs here are really sleazy and aggressive but he wasn't at all like that. He was confident but definitely not sleazy.

We talked for a bit and I found out that he's 22 and a finance masters student at the same school I go to here in Milan. He asked me to dance so we did (he was an amazing dancer fyi hah) and then he asked for my number. I gave it to him and when my friends and I left the club shortly after, I noticed that he already texted me asking me out for later that week!

So we went out for drinks and aperitivo on Friday night and it was a nice first date. I don't think I felt sparks right away but there was definitely some chemistry there! We walked around the Navigli area of Milan which is quite pretty at night and at the end of the date while we were waiting for my tram, he tried to kiss me. Thinking it would just be a kiss on the lips I let him, but then he tried to actually make out with me. I stepped back a bit and mumbled something awkward along the lines of, "ah I just don't like kissing in public you know? ahah.."

Right when I said that he looked at me like I just said the craziest thing a girl could say (which, maybe it is in Italy?). My tram came shortly after and he just said good night with a disappointed look on his face. When I got home, he texted me saying:

"I really had a great time with you tonight. It's just that I felt kinda rejected.."

Only in Italy would it be considered a sign of rejection to not want to make out with a boy on a public street! Anyways, I told him not to feel rejected and that I was just shy, etc.

Ever since then, he's been texting me everyday just sending cute, casual text messages which I have to admit does bring a smile to my face after a long, tiring day :) I recently went on another date with him, which went much better than the first date (ie: far less awkwardness). But there was a 1-week gap between our first and second date and there was a reason for that. We basically got into a bit of an argument, which I will talk more about in the next post. But right now things are going really well. The most recent thing he said to me: "If it weren't for my job in London, I would've loved to have shown you around my hometown [Florence] and around Tuscany after exams!"

Damn that job in London.

London Finance Guy (Part II)

2011-04-28T08:06:00.003-07:00

Here’s the second part to the whole thing with London Finance Guy. I thought that first part would be the end of things after he sent me that “let’s keep in touch” text. But my friend H suggested that I reply and use her as a bit of an excuse to suggest hanging out again, so I said: “It was great meeting you both too! Thanks for showing us around. Btw, H said that she for sure wants to see Camden Market tmrw so let me know if you’re still down :)”

I normally don’t initiate things during the early stages of dating but technically all of this wasn’t really a date so I thought why not. Well, to my disappointment he replied with this in the morning:

“Good morning! You’re welcome. It was a pleasure to meet you, very refreshing :) Not sure I can come today as I am meeting friends in an hour or so. I’d like to stay in touch with you though…drop me an email when you are back home.”

I felt all sorts of weird when I read that. At first I was a bit hurt because it seemed like he was just blatantly lying about meeting his friends. He certainly hadn’t mentioned meeting his friends the previous night when he was telling us which places in London he would take us! I also thought it was strange how he said it was “very refreshing” to meet me. Who says that?! I thought back to that night and he had told me that I was the “calmest, most relaxed girl” he’d ever met. I wasn’t quite sure how to take that so I jokingly said that seemed liked a nice way of saying that I was boring. He of course denied that and said it was a good thing, etc but I still thought it was weird.

Anyways, I was a bit disappointed but I knew that I shouldn’t let a boy ruin my last night in London. My friend and I still talked about it though that morning over breakfast. She told me, “I gotta tell you, normally when my girl friends come to me with their confusing dating problems, the answer is pretty obvious to me (ie: that he’s just not that into you) and I just tell that to them straight up. But you honestly have a truly confusing situation b/c I could see that he was interested in you last night and it seemed like you two had chemistry.”

I felt a little relieved when she told me that. Not that it answered any of my questions but it justified the confusion I was feeling. Anyways, after a nice, relaxing day in London we decided to go back to the hotel early since we were staying at a really nice boutique hotel for our last night.

Just as I was about to relax after a nice long shower and have a girls’ night in, I heard my cell phone ring. Thinking it was a call from my family, I went to get it only to find that it was Finance Guy calling.

I picked up and FG asked how my day was, etc. He then asked if H and I were free tonight to join him and his friends to go to a really well known club in London. He told me that he would be leaving in 30 min and could meet us at our hotel. I told him that H was in the shower (lie) and would call him back when she was done. This was purely to give me time to analyze and contemplate whether we’d want to go out or not.

It was tough for us to decide because of 2 reasons:

1. We loved our hotel room. A lot. Almost more than going out with some British boys to a popular club. (I wish I could show you how nice and relaxing this hotel was, then we wouldn’t sound so crazy haha).

2. H said that it seemed like a really last minute decision. And thought that FG was using as a last resort, like the other girls he initially invited bailed last minute or something.

Despite these legitimate reasons, we decided we’d go out since it was our last night travelling and when else would we be able to go out partying in London with British boys? Just as I was about to text FG, he called me asking if we’d decided. He sounded a bit anxious and rushed on the phone.

I told him that we would come but after hearing how rushed FG sounded on the phone, H and I were again feeling unsure about going out. As we were going back and forth, I got another call from FG. He said:

Hey so….my friend (the promoter of the club who was supposed to get us in for free) bailed and so the whole night is called off. So yea…we’re not going…Really sorry for being so last minute.

I thought this sounded really strange, and it again sounded like a big fat lie. Then he asked when H and I were leaving the next day. I told him that H’s flight was in the morning and that mine was in the afternoon. So he asked if I was free to meet for breakfast before my flight. I said sure but that it would have to be a bit early since I would have to be at the airport by 11am. He then said: oh hehe yea that might be a too early then..

I was getting annoyed at this point so I was ready to just stop taking to the guy. We ended the convo and I was ready to vent to H about how confusing and flakey he was being. But as I was venting, I got another text from him:

Sorry for the hassle, but we’re back on again for tonight. The club is called -. It’s one of the best clubs in London. Would you girls be able to make it by 11:30…?

Now I was pissed off. I didn’t understand what was going on but I didn’t like it. So at the encouragement of H, I sent him a passive aggressive text saying: “No, I don’t think we’ll go. I just think you’re being really confusing.”

After that text he then called me, saying things like: wait was I being confusing? I just thought you know…you girls might want to join…He sounded a little sheepish this time and I ended the call saying that it was just too last minute for us. Normally, I’m never mean to boys I’m interested in. But H said that it seemed like he was playing us and she said that I was being too nice to him. But was I really?

Anyways, the next day my friend and I said our goodbyes and I returned to Milan. The day after, I received another text from FG. But it said: “Hey, I just got a blank text from you. Did you get back to Milan okay?”

I knew that he definitely wasn’t lying b/c my friends have sometimes said that they received blank texts from my phone as well. I was a bit embarrassed but I replied saying: “hey yea sorry my phone sometimes does that, my friends said they got the same thing :s but yes got back to Milan okay :)”

He replied saying: “No worries :) Glad to hear you got back safely. It was really nice meeting you…even if you got all paranoid that last day :P Drop me an email sometime so we can stay in touch if you want...Take care!”

I’m not sure why but that last text made me a little happy despite everything that happened. FG probably would’ve made a horrible boyfriend or even someone to just casually date because he was the most confusing guy I’d ever met. But as a short little meet up, he was charming and mysterious. I hate to admit it but I think if he had lived in Milan or something, I might’ve ended up actually quite liking him.

I guess it was a combination of so many things that made me so attracted to him: his success (works at a hedge fund and seemed to be really wealthy for a 25 year old), his maturity, brains (graduated from Imperial College), and certain bad boy traits (a smoker who occasionally swore a few drinks in).

I suppose it might be a waste of time to email him since we live in different countries but I think I probably will. He seemed pretty keen on keeping in touch, asking me 4 different times to email him when I got back to Milan. And here’s where the business school student in me comes out: he would probably be a really good contact to have given where he lives and what kind of field he works in. And who knows, maybe one day I’ll be in London again or he’ll be in Canada and we’ll see each other for just another night. Hopefully it won’t be as confusing as it was in London though.

London Finance Boy (Part I)

2011-04-26T06:42:00.000-07:00

(Left to Right): Barcelona. Paris. London.

I just returned to Milan yesterday and I’m in that post-vacation funk. I’m reminiscing about all the great times in Paris/Barcelona/London and looking through all the photographs that I took with my friend! I’m also thinking about one boy I met in London, a 25 year-old finance guy with a nice British accent (originally from Eastern Europe) who works at a hedge fund and lives in a nice area next to Hyde Park. He messaged me on the dating site while I was in Barcelona and when I told him that I was just going to be in London for a couple days to visit he offered to show my friend and I around.

What’s funny is that when I first saw his profile, I wasn’t interested at all. I wasn’t attracted to him in any way from his pictures and I just didn’t think we’d be a good match when I read his profile. But my friend and I did really want someone to show us around London since it’s a huge city so I decided to reply to him.

We agreed to meet for a drink and I told him that he was welcome to bring a friend since I thought it’d be a little less awkward than 1 guy + 2 girls (like what happened in Barcelona). While we were planning this “double date” of sorts, I couldn’t help but feel less and less interested in meeting him because his replies were always so fast. But I knew that it would still be nice to have locals show us around.

At 9pm sharp, he called me to say that he and his friend were waiting outside our hotel. My friend and I walked out and I felt like I was in some British movie. We put on some nice clothes (well actually, we were still wearing jeans hah), walked out of our fancy hotel room, and stepped onto the marble steps to see 2 nicely dressed London boys waiting for us. When I saw Finance Guy, I wasn’t necessarily attracted to him right away but he was definitely more good looking in person. We introduced each other and our friends (his friend was a Ph.D student originally from Hong Kong, but grew up in London).

As we started walking, Finance Guy naturally started just talking to me and so we split into pairs (with Ph.D boy and my friend walking behind us). Somehow, as we started talking more and more, I grew more attracted to him (although I still thought that he might be a bit on the boring side). We went to the metro station and here’s the first small thing that impressed me: as my friend and I were about to take out our wallets use the ticketing machine, the 2 boys stepped in front of us and did it all for us. They swiftly got out their wallets without any hesitation and paid the 6 pounds per ticket (about $10 for just a one-time ticket)! I think that was the first moment when I started seeing Finance Guy differently. Maybe that makes me really traditional and materialistic but I think it was more the way that he took charge that impressed me.

Then they asked us what kind of bar we wanted to go to. My friend loves pubs and bars that serve good beer so I said that a good British pub would be nice (even though that’s really not my thing haha). I figured that I owed my friend at least that because I could tell that she was getting bored to tears by Ph.D boy!

We got to the pub but we actually stayed outside because apparently in London, people like to stand outside on the sidewalks to drink their beers. As soon as we got to the front of the pub, FG asked us what we wanted to drink and the boys went in to get our drinks while we waited outside. Again, I was really impressed with how swiftly and smoothly he went about all this. You know how some boys will pay for everything, but they’ll make it awkward or make a big deal out of it? FG definitely wasn’t like that.

As we drank our beers, FG and I continued talking more and I think this was about the time I knew I was attracted to him. He started loosening up a bit and he just had this air of mysterious boy who might’ve had a bad boy past before but was now a successful hedge fund guy. As he was drinking his Guiness and smoking his 2^nd cigarette, I couldn’t help but become really attracted to him (I’m not a smoker but I can’t help but find it hot sometimes when a guy smokes agh). My friend even said that he reminded her of a European Don Draper of sorts hah.

After we finished our drinks, we started walking again and made our way through the busy streets of London. They took us to another good bar but it had already stopped serving alcohol (this is apparently a thing in London where some bars stop serving by 11pm). So FG hailed us a taxi and we made our way to a hotel bar that was next to Hyde Park. It was a really nice bar, maybe a bit too hip and fancy for me but it was at least a nice place where we could actually hear each other. That’s one thing that intrigued me about Finance Guy: he could easily have a beer at rowdy outdoor pub but he could also feel totally comfortable drinking a whiskey at a posh hotel bar.

It was a little awkward at times but the 4 of us overall had a good time! And I noticed that FG was getting a little flirtier throughout the night. He would purposely touch my arm or my back quite a few times and at one point when my friend and Ph.D boy were busy talking, FG and I were laughing about something and then after we stopped laughing he just looked at me with this really charming smile for a really long time.

FG then asked my friend and I what we wanted to do tomorrow. He was basically planning out the whole day for us. Saying things like, I’ll take you girls to this really good fish and chips place, and then we can go to this famous street, etc. He also talked about how he was going out with his friends tomorrow night to a popular club and invited us.

I was feeling really good about how the night was going, but I told FG that my friend and I should get going because it was getting pretty late. So we walked out of the bar once FG paid for our 13pound cocktails. But here’s when things went weird. He hailed us a cab and once the taxi arrived, all FG did was SHAKE my hand and said, well it was really nice to meet you girls! And that was it, no talks about tomorrow or anything! Then about 5 min later, I received a text from him:

It was lovely to meet you both. Let me know when you get back to the hotel safely. Let’s keep in touch, my email is –

To say that my friend and I were baffled at that point would be an understatement. I found it really strange that he seemed pretty eager on showing us around the next day but then all of a sudden didn’t even want to see us ever again. What could’ve possibly changed his mind in a matter of 20 minutes? Well, I thought that was the end of it but there was even more confusion to come the next day…which I’ll write about in part II.

The Night I Decided to Move on From R: Somewhat Successful

2011-04-03T07:57:00.004-07:00

Not this weekend, but from the wknd before when I was in Cinque Terre :)

This past weekend was possibly one of my favourite weekends in Milan because one of my best friends from back home (who is studying in Paris) visited me! We had such a great time catching up while sipping espressos, shopping, and of course enjoying Milano nightlife.

Still, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think about R over the weekend. There was a part of me that hoped he would text me sometime this weekend...but he didn't. Which really disappointed me but I certainly didn't let that ruin my fun weekend with my friend! When I told my friend about R she said to me, okay tonight we are going out and it's going to be your night to move on from him!

So I invited another one of my friends from here and the 3 of us went out to one of the really popular clubs here. When we first got there I was a little worried because it seemed like one of those clubs where people just go to be seen and not really have any actual fun. But after we got our drinks, we made it to the dance floor and the night started. At first I didn't notice but once my friends and I were dancing for a few minutes, I could tell that the guys in this club were very aggressive. Maybe even more aggressive than the other club I had been to on campus.

Basically I got all parts of my body groped that night, to the point that I lost track of how many times I got grabbed. It was impossible to walk through any part of the club without getting my hand grabbed and kissed by boys trying to reel me in to get me to dance with them. Were many of these Italian boys way too inappropriate with their approach? Yes, definitely yes. But I gotta say, many of them were also really quite good looking, and I don't usually say that about boys at the majority of clubs I go to. At certain points during the night I would have a hard time getting mad at them for being aggressive with their flirting because they were just too good looking!

One in particular I had a hard time getting mad at. He was this tall, cute Italian boy dressed in a blue dress shirt. When my friend and I were moving our way through the dance floor he took my hand and asked me to dance with him. After declining many of these invites throughout the night, I decided I didn't want to pass this one up haha. So we danced together for a bit but my friend was by herself so I didn't want to leave her alone (I hate it when my girl friends do that to me!). So, I told him I had to go and we moved to a different part of the club.

A little later that night, we ran into the boy again and this time as I passed by him he grabbed my hand again and would not let go! My friend was getting approached by some other cute boy so I decided I would let him dance with me again. I was having fun dancing with him when at one point his face was getting really close to mine and he said in his Italian accent, we kiss- yes? I told him no that I don't kiss at clubs but I had troubles saying this without a smile on my face because I was so attracted to him! I think he could tell so he didn't give up trying and soon enough...I let it happen. My first time kissing a boy at a club. Never thought I would do it but there I was kissing this Italian boy in the middle of the dance floor. But I didn't let it last long because he kept trying to kiss with tongue and I didn't quite want to do that for everyone to see. What I found hilarious was that as he and I were dancing, this attractive Swedish guy kept grabbing my hand and tried to get me to move to him instead. It is unbelievable how cocky these guys are at clubs! Anyways, Italian boy kept trying for more and he was getting really handsy so I grabbed my friend and we made a quick exit.

Thinking about it now, I think one of the main reasons why I let him kiss me was because I thought it would be a way for me to "move on" and forget about R. I know, it sounds stupid but honestly, it kinda worked (especially given that this boy was really cute). I know it's not a healthy way to move on from a guy but I can't say that I regret letting it happen. I just truly had a fun night out with my girl friends, flirting with cute boys, and it did help me forget about R.

But then, the next morning I signed on to the dating site to check my messages: I got a notification that R had visited and checked out my profile a couple times yesterday (once at 3am as well). All I could think was, ugh why?! Now I feel a little bit like I took 2 steps forward and 1 step back in terms of me trying to forget about him. Now I'm back to overanalyzing everything and wondering why he visited my profile. Yea, so much for moving on.

So I ask everyone this question: should I just continue to forget about this guy? I haven't heard from him this whole weekend so perhaps that makes the answer quite obvious. But I took a poll from some of my best friends and it was mixed: a lot of them were adamant that I not contact him and just forget about it. But a few of the others thought that it would be okay for me to send him a casual text. I can't quite decide what I want to do. Part of me is thinking, no the ball is in his court and he's the boy so you just do nothing. But then the other part of me is saying who cares about the rules, just suck it up and try texting him. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't reply and then at least you won't keep thinking "what if." Before I decide, I want to ask you all: what's your opinion on this?

That Dreaded Feeling

2011-03-31T08:25:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling all sorts of disappointment right now. It’s the feeling that I so dreaded and really hoped wouldn’t come, but it has!

It all started on a high note last week after I got back from that wonderful date with R, got a text from him 5 minutes after the date, and then got another text from him a few days later asking me if I was free on Wednesday. When all those things happened at once I was a girl on cloud nine and was pretty darn happy with how everything was turning out. But I was also freakin scared too. I was scared because I was starting to think that I could potentially like this guy and I knew that if things didn’t work out I would be really disappointed.

Well, those worries kinda came true. I was starting to feel a little iffy about everything when after I replied to his text asking if I was free on Wednesday, he didn’t reply to my reply. I had said something like, yup I’m free on Wed! Just let me know what time works for you. I found it a little strange that he didn’t reply to that, but I chalked it up to the fact that Italian boys are notoriously bad at making and sticking to plans.

Once Wednesday came around, I couldn’t wait any longer so I texted him that morning, asking him if the date was still on. He replied saying: Hey S! I’m sorry I answer late, very busy day at work today! How are you? For today, I still don’t know if I manage to get out of here by 6pm. We’re quite busy today..If you don’t mind I let you know in a couple of hours! Baci!

I felt a little less worried when I received that text but still felt unsure. Then, a couple hours later I received this text from him:

Damn it, I won’t be outta here in time…I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t cause you any problem for this evening!

When I opened that text and read those words, I can’t tell you how disappointed I felt. In a way, that message just sounded so insincere to me. It sounded like a text from someone who just wasn’t that interested and wasn’t really that excited to see me. I was even more disappointed by the fact that he didn’t even bother to ask me if I was free some other specific day. It just had this tone of, sorry I’m too busy, bye!

Now I understand that his job is important to him and work is work, but he could’ve gone about it in far better ways if he was truly interested in me. I replied to him with a short, “ah that’s okay !” I wanted to convey a tone of, ah that’s okay but really it’s not, but now that I think about it I wish I hadn’t even replied. What’s kinda sad about all this is that there was a part of me that almost wanted to reply to him saying, oh that’s okay! You know, I’m okay with meeting later tonight too if that works better for you? But I’m so thankful that I didn’t send a text like that because that would’ve reeked of desperation.

So here I am, sitting at my desk feeling a way that I was so afraid I would feel. I’m regretting that I gushed to my best friends back home on Facebook the awesome date I had been on with a very cute Italian boy. I regret that I had been thinking of this date for the past 5 days, wondering what I would wear and where he would take me. How did this all even happen? How does a guy go from showing so much interest after a great first date and asking for another and then all of a sudden seem so disinterested?

What I hate about all this is that I’m otherwise having such a great time here with all my friends and if I had never met this boy, I wouldn’t be feeling any sense of disappointment right now. I would instead be getting excited to go this student dinner at a cool concept restaurant that my friend invited me to. But right now, I don’t even feel the energy to go. I know I should, and I know I shouldn’t let a boy get in the way of me enjoying my time here in Italy but that’s all I can think of right now. I don’t know why when it comes to boys, they always disappoint me. Well actually let me correct that statement: I don’t know why they impress me with their ways first, making me feel like a millions bucks. But then suddenly become some other guy, making me one disappointed girl.

What are all your honest thoughts and opinions about all this? Should I just forget and move on or am I being a little too sensitive?

The Date with R (Italian Artsy Boy)

2011-03-25T04:16:00.004-07:00

Castle in Milan I went to last night

On Wednesday night I went on my first date with R, the Italian boy who messaged me on the dating site. And what else can I say other than: the date was amazing. Three hours of amazingness to be exact...

On the day of the date, I was really nervous and kept doubting myself. I was so concerned that he would think in person I didn't look like how I do in my pictures. And then I thought up of all these worst case scenarios of him not showing up. Yea I'm not sure why I do that to myself haha.

But boy did I have nothing to worry about! We finally met each other in the main piazza of Milan and to say that I was excited when I saw him for the first time would be an understatement. He looked 100% more good looking than he did in the photos (and I still found him very attractive in the photos). He was tall, dressed in a black leather jacket, blue shirt, and simple but stylish black sneakers. It's like someone told him exactly what type of clothes I like on guys and he showed up in it. The second thing I noticed about him was his eyes. They were very blue/green and I just couldn't help but notice them during the whole date!

He took me to a few of the nice neighborhoods here, showing me all the nice buildings along the way and pointing out which museums and restaurants were good. He also took me to the main castle here in Milan and it was amazing there! It was kinda romantic too because at night they have all these pretty lights and there weren't that many people.

Throughout the whole date, I was happily surprised by how much we seemed to have in common even though we initially seemed so different (artsy guys and business school students don't usually get along haha). And I felt sparks on the date. Whenever we brushed shoulders or sometimes when our hands accidently touched through the narrow streets of Milan, I felt that jittery feeling that I never felt with New Zealand boy. I have no idea if he felt anything on his part but I know I sure did.

There were two things I really liked about R:
1. He said my name a lot. I don't know if any of you notice when people do that but I love it when a guy actually says my name when he's talking to me!
2. I noticed that he was very friendly to strangers. For example, in Milan there's a lot of men trying to sell random items like roses or umbrellas and usually the Milanese just avoid eye contact with them. But R would always just kindly say "no, grazie!" It was so refreshing to be on a date with a friendly and genuine guy.

But, there were two things that I didn't quite like about the date:
-We spent 3 hours just walking the whole time. I mean I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise since he did suggest we "walk around the city center" back when we were messaging each other but I sort of expect him to at least take me to a cafe. At one point he did say, let me know if you need a drink or a break, but I felt slightly uncomfortable just saying, yes omg I'm tired. Take me to a bar please! He did make it a little better though at the end of the date when he said that he felt guilty for being kind of "selfish" on the date since he told me that he just loves walking a lot.

-This other thing is minor but at one point we were talking about relationships. He told me about some of his past relationships, not in detail but just in general. And when he finished talking he asked me, what about you and past boyfriends? What's your story? He asked in a light-hearted way, laughing as he asked so I didn't feel too uncomfortable but I still felt awkward since I've never had a boyfriend before. I decided to be mostly honest and just say, Well I've never had a serious long-term boyfriend blah blah. Thankfully I think I managed to answer the question quite well but I still kept wondering if he would think I'm weird for never having a boyfriend before.

Finally the end of the date came. I was the one to end it mostly because my legs were so tired haha. But I liked that it seemed like he didn't want the date to end! When I asked him if there were any tram stops nearby he said in a cute way, oh yes we can go there if you want? I promise I won't be too sad if you want to leave now! And as we were waiting for my tram to come, I swear that at one point when there was a few seconds of silence he just sort of looked at me with this cute smile on his face. But no kiss at the end of the date mostly because it just didn't feel right with all the other people at the tram stop! When my tram came he told me: S, I had a truly had a great time tonight. Please text me whenever you want. I hope to see you again soon? I told him I would love that and we separated ways.

I was a little annoyed though that he told me to text him. I still prefer the guy to take more of the initiative in the first stages of dating. But then what happened just 5 minutes later? I got a text from him! It said: I really had a great time with you this evening! I'm only sorry for my bad english...I definitely need more practice :D Hope to see you soon !
I may have been the happiest girl on that tram when I got that text haha. I texted him back saying: I really had a great time today too! Feel free to text me whenever you're free and we'll hopefully see each other soon :)

I realize that maybe I could've made my text sound more "cool" and less enthusiastic as I usually do with boys but with him I didn't feel like doing that. There was something so genuine about our date that I just didn't want to play those games.

But still, I'm left a little confused as to what will come next. I know I won't be seeing him this weekend because 1) His family is visiting him in Milan 2) He's running a marathon on Sunday and 3) I'll be in Cinque Terre for part of the weekend! I'm kind of doubtful if he'll be the first to text me. I tried to put the ball back in his court by telling him to text me but if I don't hear from him for a while, I was thinking of texting him on Monday and just casually ask how is marathon went. That way I can gauge his interest level based on what he replies.

To be honest, I'm still unsure of his level of interest in me. I told my best guy friend, agh I think I might end up liking this guy quite a bit. Crap. I said crap because liking a boy means there's more room for disappointment if things don't work out. I know that sounds so cynical but I can't help it especially when I'm not even sure if he's interested in me. But then my friend told me this: it could be a good sign that he told you to text him at the end of the date. Think about it, if he didn't want to see you again he would've just said "i'll call you sometime" and never call you. I suppose my friend's reasoning could make sense but I'm still a little uneasy about it. I think it's because I've heard too many of those stories from girls where they go on an amazing date and the boy seems super interested but then they never hear back from them after said first date.

Hopefully this won't be one of those stories! What do you all think? Does he sound interested? Do you think I should send him that text on Monday or should I wait for him to initiate contact?

**Update: Okay I spent all this time worrying for no reason because R just texted me a couple minutes ago!! He said "Ciao S! How are you doing? As I told u my family just arrived today, and I'm going to spend the weekend with them. Btw I'd really like to see you again, are you still free next Wednesday? let me know :D good night"

So yes, safe to say I'm quite the happy girl right now ;)

Night Out with the Italian Boys & An Upcoming Date..

2011-03-21T12:50:00.004-07:00

Ah finally a chance to update the blog! I've been in Amsterdam and Brussels for the past few days so I didn't have much down time. The trip was short but amazing, and I was there with a friend who I really get along with so we had a great time :)

The trip was pretty exhausting on the first day because my friend and I decided it would be a good idea to go out clubbing the night before, despite having to get up at 7am the next day to catch our flight! But I was looking forward to this night because my two friends who are also exchange students told me that we'd be joining four other Italian boys who they knew and were apparently all really good looking.

When we got to the bar, I finally met the four Italian boys. All of them were so perfectly dressed in their blue dress shirts, and most of them were quite handsome. They all worked at Ernst and Young and were around 3-4 years older.

But at the bar and on the way to the night club, I couldn't help but feel a little left out for some reason. It's not like the guys didn't talk to me at all but I kept feeling like they were talking more to my 2 other friends and not much to me. Maybe it was because 3 out of 4 of them already knew my friends from before but I still couldn't shake that feeling of feeling left out. It's something I've experienced quite a few times when I'm out with some of my girl friends who are really gorgeous (one of them is even a model). These two friends weren't models, we actually all look kinda similar. But typing this makes me realize just how superficially-wired my brain is. It's kinda sad that I see so many things based on outside appearances but I can't help it sometimes. Especially when there's guys around and when my self-esteem is low.

But I managed to shake that feeling off later that night. The boys took us to the Roberto Cavalli club where two of their other friends were waiting. I later found out that this place is one of the most exclusive clubs in Milan (usually reserved for fashion models and old rich men) but the boys somehow got us in right away and even got us a table (they paid for a 300euro table amongst themselves!)

Once inside the club, we all got drinks and got to our table. My friends and I were dancing and having a good time while the guys were a little more shy. But once they got a few drinks in their system, they were up and dancing too hah. At one point while we were all dancing, one of the boys tapped me on the shoulder and told me: my friend wants to talk to you! I looked to see which friend it was and it was one of the more handsome boys, but also one of the shyer ones (he didn't even really introduce himself to me and my girl friends!) I looked at him and kinda said, oh ok- hi! It was a bit awkward to be honest. I could tell that he was a bit embarrassed and he didn't even really talk! I couldn't tell if he actually was interested in talking to me or if his friend was just being a really good wing man. But all in all it was a good night even if I felt a little left out in the beginning.

In terms of other boys, well I do have some good news...
On Wednesday, I'll be meeting an Italian boy who messaged me on the dating site! I actually really like everything about this guy so far. He's a cute 22 year old recent college grad working in the visual FX industry (making commercials). I can tell that he's a bit of the hipster/artsy type: into photography, plays the guitar, wears nice plaid shirts. He's basically a good looking hipster but a more Italian version of one. This is the first guy from that site who I can actually see myself getting along with: we both have the same taste in music (a big thing for me), both love traveling and the west coast, and his English is really good. But I'm a little confused as to what we're actually going to do on our date. He told me that he would love to show me around the "city center" and so we've agreed to meet on Wednesday at 6:30 in in the main piazza here. I know that it's probably too early for dinner since Italians eat really late, but it also seems like a weird time for coffee. I'll just have to roll with the punches once I get there.

P.s. Remember ib#1? He "liked" one of my facebook photo albums today. I don't even know why I'm telling this to all of you because it's so silly but I just felt this sense of relief when I saw that in some crazy way. Kinda like, phew so he doesn't totally want to forget that I existed like I had initially thought and took the time to look at my photos :P

Clubbing in Italy: Staying "Classy" vs. Having Fun

2011-03-12T04:42:00.007-08:00

I've been clubbing just two times so far in Italy (I'm really picky about who I go with) but I would count my second time as my first, real clubbing experience because I didn't have a great time on my first night. Did I have fun this second time? Yes, definitely yes. But I did have this sort of "struggle" with my morals last night.

The night started off pretty slow because we couldn't decide which club to go to. My friends and I were supposed to go to a club where we would get a free table with another group of friends but that didn't work out. So instead, my friends and I ended up going to the club that's located on our school campus. This is one of the most popular clubs on Friday nights for students but it also has a bit of a notorious reputation because I had heard that the guys at this club were particularly aggressive. So going there was a bit of a last resort for us but we hadn't gotten all dressed up to just go back home.

When I first entered the club with my friends, I could tell that this was the type of club where people really go to party. Right away the club lived up to its reputation with it's aggressive guys: when we were walking towards the bar, I had to walk through a narrow passage where there were some guys sitting on the couches. As I was walking by the people, one guy who was sitting down literally tried to trap my legs in between his by squeezing them together. I gotta say, I've been to my share of clubs where there were lots of sleazy guys but this was a first.

After we got our drinks (and after my friend got her ass slapped at the bar), we made our way to the huge dance floor. I was excited because my friends and I love to dance but I also felt like I was walking into some sort of lion's den haha. As soon as we got to the dance floor, two guys immediately came up to us. One asked me if I'd like to dance with him but I was definitely not interested. But he kept asking so we moved to a different part of the dance floor.

We randomly ended up next to a group of three Italian guys who had been talking to one of my friends when we were at the bar area earlier. My two girl friends and I, and the three Italians were all dancing as a group for only about 2 minutes when I suddenly realized that TWO of the Italians were grinding up on me at the same time! What I found hilarious was that the first guy had started getting really close and dancing with me but his friend apparently didn't care and he started dancing up on me on my other side. I was basically being sandwiched between the two! But I have to be completely honest here: I didn't completely hate it or find it that disgusting. See, back in Canada I don't get hit on that often by guys at clubs, and the guys in clubs are generally a little more shy (compared to Italy). So to have these two handsome, well-dressed Italian boys dancing with me was really unexpected and I found their confidence kinda refreshing. And I found it so surreal to be that friend. I thought that since there were 3 boys + 3 girls they would take one for each but 2 out of the 3 both went for me. And that usually doesn't happen to me.

So yes, I was admittedly kinda enjoying this new found attention. And soon enough, the more good looking of the two Italian boys won me over (if that's the way to put it hah) and I was just dancing with him. This is about the time the "good girl guilt" started to come on again. I get this all the time when I'm at a club and dancing with a guy. I usually just dance with my girl friends in groups but every now and then if I think the guy is really attractive, I'll dance with him. And to be honest, I kinda enjoy dancing with boys in clubs if the guy is a good dancer. It can be fun and exciting when the chemistry is there. But then I also feel extremely guilty because I wonder what my more conservative friends would think of their usually innocent friend grinding with a stranger.

I was feeling this constant struggle between being that innocent, good girl vs. having fun and dancing with this Italian boy. But it had only been about 5 minutes in when my friend told me that she wanted to move to a less crowded area. I knew I had to respect her wishes but a big part of me really didn't want to leave. But, I wasn't going to be that friend who ditches her girl friends to dance with a boy so I left and followed my friends. We spent the rest of the night dancing in this table area where it was kind of elevated and away from the main dance floor. I still had a lot of fun just dancing the night away with my girl friends but I'm not gonna lie, a part of me kinda wanted to go back to the dance floor because that's where most of the people were. It was kind of funny how this table area seemed to be a sort of "safe zone" where guys wouldn't approach us as much.

Later that night, my friend and I took a break to get some fresh air outside. She was telling me that she loves going out to clubs to dance but that she never talks to or dances with the guys. She told that since she's from India, the clubbing culture is very different there. I felt kind of funny listening to this because even though I would consider myself a bit conservative, I do enjoy meeting new guys at clubs and occasionally dancing with them. But I still feel guilty and almost "wrong" for liking that.

Anyways, other than that constant moral struggle, I had a REALLY great time last night. It may have been one of my favourite clubbing experiences so far actually. Even if I got my ass grabbed four different times that night hah.

Boys: For Every Bad Thing That Happens...

2011-03-08T13:55:00.001-08:00

That's the pattern I've been noticing when it comes to my luck with boys here in Italy: every time something bad happens, something good happens just around the corner.

Exhibit 1:
I was waiting at the bus stop with some friends when I noticed ib#1 pass by. I didn't think of saying hi but then I saw him turn around and look in my direction. I thought he was looking at me, so I smiled at him but then I realized he was looking at the girl right next to me and he went up to her to talk to her. What's worse? He didn't even bother saying hi to me! I couldn't tell if he actually didn't see me, didn't recognize me (I was wearing my glasses), or was purposely ignoring me. I tried my best to ignore how stupid I was feeling by talking to my other friends. But to say that this didn't bug me would be a lie. What's strange is that I don't even like ib#1 (he's average by most standards), but I cared so much that he didn't bother to say hi to me.

So that was the bad thing. What happens a couple hours later in class that day? A cute Italian boy sat next to me in class. I was still feeling kinda down from what happened earlier, so when this cute, well-dressed Italian boy carrying a vespa helmet sat right next to me (in a classroom where there were still lots of other empty seats), I didn't notice at first. It wasn't until I turned my head and asked him what chapter we were supposed to read (I hadn't done my homework) did I notice how cute he was. But still, my mood was pretty bad so when he answered I nodded thanks and went straight to reading the hw. A couple minutes later he asked me if I had bought the textbook for the course. He started talking about how the online version of the text was crap and all that. Now normally I would've been a bit more open to this small talk but again, my bad mood prevented that from happening. We got a 15 min break during the class and when I returned after getting some food, he again started making small talk. He started asking me where I was from, when I arrived in Milan, which part of Canada I was from, etc. I started opening up when I finally realized that he was interested in talking to me. He told me that he had lived in the US for a year in high school and some other stuff about his life. I noticed that he kept asking questions about me, and he just genuinely seemed interested. But then of course, my loud professor came in and we had to stop our conversation.

When the class ended, I decided that I would ask him if he could translate a short text message I got in class from my cell phone provider. As I was looking towards him and holding my phone out, I realized that it must've looked like I was going to ask for his number haha. After he translated it for me, we walked out of class together and he asked me what I thought of the professor. We both laughed at how we thought he was a very "enthusiastic" teacher. When we had to part ways, he smiled at me and said, I'll see you next class. So yea that was it, but I did kind of feel something. I've talked to quite a few guys in different classes here so far but with him it didn't feel like just 2 students being polite and friendly. I actually really enjoyed talking to him. Sadly, this class is only ONCE a week so I won't see him for a while. And I'm not even sure we'll even sit next to each other because my friend sometimes comes to class and she sits next to me. We'll see.

This post is getting long but I also have.. Exhibit 2:
Remember the party boy who contacted me on the dating site I'm on and told me he would be my guide and everything? Yea, that's not happening. He was so enthusiastic and seemed so interested when we talked, so I messaged him about 4 days after our last convo, telling him that I had watched the music video he suggested to me. What happened in our convo? He sounded so disinterested that I couldn't believe I was talking to the same guy. I'm completely baffled as to what could've changed in a matter of days but I'm choosing to just move on and not dwell on it, as dissapointing as it is.

To be honest, it's been pretty easy to move on because during the past few days, I suddenly got an influx of messages from seemingly really great guys! I was getting tired of getting messages from the weird, the old, and the just plain creepy, but these past few days have been 100% different. Handsome, young lawyers, teachers, musicians, and cute college students have been messaging me lately and it's been interesting getting to know them so far. But I won't tell you about any of them until things get a little more serious (I don't want to jinx it, like what happened with the party boy hah). Here's to hoping that less bad things happen this week !

Some Overdue Updates & Online Dating...

2011-03-04T14:36:00.003-08:00

Picture I took in Venice over the weekend

I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus for a while but I'm back now! These past few weeks have been very busy, but in a good way because: I've been having a blast so far. I can't tell you how relieved and happy I am to be typing those words, especially after how lonely and worried I was feeling during the first two days of my exchange.

"Having a blast" may seem like an overstatement for some people since I haven't been going out partying all night and being swept off my feet by Italian boys everywhere. No, nothing like that. But I have been meeting a lot of people and really just enjoying all these new experiences with new friends. Last weekend I was in Venice with a friend for the city's annual Carnavale, and during the weekdays I've been busy with school and exploring Milan's nightlife! What the Italians told me of Milan is very true: it may not be the prettiest city, but there is always something to do here.

One of my favourite parts about Milan is the aperitivo places here (a bar where you can get a drink and an all-you-can-eat buffet for 7-10 euros). I've been to so many different places for aperitivo now that I've been having to decline some invitations to go out to more of them! When I was talking to my dad and I was telling him I was going out again with a different group of friends, he said, "You're going out again tonight?! On a Tuesday? When did you get so popular there?!" My dad's over the top reaction made me laugh but it was also something that was on my mind. Back home, I have my tight circle of friends and lots of girl friends who I've known for years but I would never say that I'm popular or even invited out that much to parties. But here, it's been different. So many exchange students have right away invited me to go with them to the next outing or to go traveling with them, even when I've only known them for a few hours. It may just be that exchange students are more friendly and open, but I'd like to think that it's partly because I've been becoming less shy here.

Now I wish I could say that my experiences have been the same for both genders, but of course, I've only been "popular" with the girls. I've been getting some attention from the guys here, but it's not the type of attention that a girl would want. For instance, last Thursday I went to my first club here. It was a bit of a "classier" club (somewhat of an oxymoron but you get the idea), so I knew the guys wouldn't be as sleazy and aggressive. Well they weren't aggressive, but some guys would talk to me like they had never met an Asian person in their life. Their opening lines would be things like, "I love Europe! And I love Asia even more!" or "My friend and I love Asian girls!"

So yea not the best luck with the boys here so far. It's actually been quite difficult to meet locals here period. All of my friends are exchange students and all their friends are exchangers too. Which is why....I'm trying online dating from across the world. I didn't think I would here, but I thought I'd give it a try and I knew that it would be easy to meet locals through it.

Most of the guys who've contacted me so far have been either too old, too weird, or very good looking but don't speak a word of English. But yesterday, I got a message from a very good looking Italian boy whose a political sciences student studying in Milan. His English was almost perfect and he seemed like a genuine, normal guy. We added each other on facebook and I was even more impressed! He seems like he's very popular at his school (almost to the point that I wondered why someone like him was on a dating site) and a bit of a party boy (which is okay for me since I'm not looking for anything serious while I'm on exchange). He told me that we should make a deal: I would help him with his English and he would be my guide around Milan. I'm actually quite looking forward to this if it actually goes through! He seems funny, outgoing, and very cute so we'll see how this goes. I'm not sure how flakey he might be though. We had talked for quite a bit on chat and when I told him that I had to go for dinner he said, "okay it was really nice talking to you! I hope to see you really soon. Bacio. Ciao!" He never mentioned when we should meet up or anything so I'm trying not to get too hopeful about this one.

Hopefully I'll have some good news to update you all on in the next few days but for the first time, I can say that I'm actually pretty happy boy or no boy because it's been amazing exploring Italy with some really great friends here (but having a cute Italian boy show me around the city would still be nice of course ;)

Being an Asian Girl in Italy

2011-02-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

A sushi restaurant I went to in Milan (which didn't taste good at all!)

My ethnicity is something that's always been a significant part of who I am. Not just in terms of the cultural traditions and all that, but more in terms of the differences I've felt as being a minority. And I'd say those differences have been both good and bad. I never thought about it as much until I arrived in Italy, living in a city where Asians aren't as prevalent.

Back in my city in Canada, Asians aren't really a "minority". It's a very diverse city with a huge Asian population. So naturally, it's been quite an adjustment for me to actually live in a city like Milan where I don't see Japanese restaurants on every block and groups of Asian students in the subway everyday.

In certain ways I actually, dare I say, kind of like living in a city where I'm unique. I know I'm supposed to feel "unique no matter what" etc etc but to tell you the truth, I never felt special while living in Canada. My school is famous for having many Asian students (which I'm not saying is a bad thing), but I often times felt lost and insignificant in this big crowd. Classmates and even professors would sometimes confuse me with another small Asian girl in the class. And as a girl with not the highest level of self-esteem, this would really bother me.

But, living in Italy has been completely different, in good ways and bad. The number one question all exchange students ask each other is where we're from, and I'll admit, I've kinda liked how people will seem really interested when I tell them my nationality. It's like the equivalent of being a girl from let's say, Chile back at my home school.

But then of course, there are other things that come with being a minority in Italy, such as the stares. Milan is much more diverse than most parts of Italy but I still get stared at a lot from the Italians here. I noticed I get stared at the most by 2 types of people: the young children who just look at me like with wide eyes, and then the men (of all ages). During the first few days, I found it a bit uncomfortable but I easily brushed it off. But after 3 weeks here now, it's beginning to really annoy me at times! It's always the men here who stare the most and they're never discreet about it.

Now I'll ashamedly admit that I'm one of those girls that gets all in a huff if a gross, creepy guy cat calls or smiles at me on the street, but if it's a handsome, well-dressed guy? Well then, I kinda love it haha. But when I get those smiles from the cute Italian boys here, I don't automatically feel a little flattered like I would back home. I usually think, I wonder if he smiled at me because he thinks I'm cute or because I'm Asian and he hasn't seen an Asian girls in years. It's a constant struggle I've had, trying to weed out the boys who are interested in me for me or only because of my ethnicity.

This Thursday I might be going to my first club in Italy with a few friends (some of whom are also Asian), so it'll be interesting for me to see how it is since I know I'll again stick out from the crowds at most clubs.

Other than the uncomfortable stares, I've actually been having a great few days! I think I've finally found my groove here in terms of my daily life and finding a group of friends who I truly enjoy hanging out with. This week is going to be busy with lots of aperitivos, parties, museums, and trips that I was invited to by all types of friends so I'm quite excited for this week :)

P.S. On the topic of ethnicities and nationalities, I'd love to know where all of you are from! I get stats on my blog of where my readers come from and it's so fascinating to see that my blog is being read (or just glanced at and then never re-visited haha) in France, Belgium, Malaysia, etc. Even if you don't usually like to comment, I'd love to hear where you're from if you're comfortable sharing :)

The Good Things...

2011-02-20T03:45:00.003-08:00

Picture I took in Bologna

I've written some pretty depressing posts this past week but I think it's time for a positive one because this past weekend was actually pretty great.

I was worried I'd be lonely and bored this weekend since my closest friends went to Florence but I actually didn't have a chance to feel lonely these past 2 days! On Friday I went out for a sushi dinner with this guy from my floor (a very nerdy MBA student). I was looking for a platonic guy friend here who I could really trust and he seems to be that guy. He's been really sweet, giving me a box of cookies when I was saying that I was running out of food and texting me when I'm out late to make sure I got home safely. It's really great to have a friend like that in a city where I have no family but I'm a little worried that he's thinking of me as more than just a friend. He texts me WAY TOO MUCH on a daily basis, even when I don't respond to some of them, and it annoys me to no end so I'm planning to drop a few subtle hints soon.

The next day my friend (S) invited me to go on a day trip to Bologna with 3 of her other friends. I was a bit apprehensive to be going on a trip with 3 other people I had never even met but S and I really get along so I thought why not. We all met up at 7:30 in the morning and took a long train ride to Bologna. I actually had a really great time there because I really liked the people I was with. You know how I was saying that I was having a hard time finding friends who I truly "clicked" with? Well I definitely felt that click with S and her friends. We all got a long so well like we had known each other for years. So the day was spent shopping, taking pictures, eating gelato, sightseeing, and having very yummy Bolognese meals. I really felt like I was finally experiencing the true "exchange student experience" on this trip and it was the first day that I didn't feel homesick or lonely at all.

In terms of school and classes, it's been going pretty great as well. A lot of the Italian students will actually start talking to me in class, asking where I'm from and all that. I was always way too intimidated to talk to them first because they looked like those stylish, snobby types (my school is known to be a bit cliquey, like high school) so I was really surprised when they would start talking to me first. And to my surprise, they were actually very friendly, and just seemed truly interested in getting to know me (and perhaps practice their English too haha). In one of my classes, I was getting a bit worried because we needed to form project groups and I hadn't found one on the first class. But at the end of the second class, a very cute Italian guy walked up to me and asked if I wanted to be in a group with him!

In class, I've been purposely putting myself out of comfort zone a lot. I'll often see 2 or 3 friends/acquaintances in each of my classes but sometimes I'll purposely sit on my own so that I can meet other people. The old me would've been too chicken to do that but I'm really glad I've been doing this because I've found that people have been more likely to strike up a conversation with me if I'm sitting alone rather than talking with a bunch of friends.

In terms of boys, well nothing to really update on unfortunately. I haven't been to any clubs yet, but I'm dying to go soon!! My friends who have went did warn me that the Italian guys are very aggressive in clubs (they'll corner you into walls, try to kiss you within 5 minutes of meeting you, etc) so I'm a bit cautious about going but I'd still love to go to actually meet some more Italian locals. Even though I haven't been to the clubs yet, I definitely feel like I'm in Italy, the country of the charming but very forward men. When I'm in the subway or just walking on the streets, the Italian men stare like it's nobody business (staring here doesn't seem to be considered rude). Some of the younger ones will smile and say "bella" and all those Italian words, which I don't mind when the boys are cute haha!

My exchange has so far been filled with a lot of extreme highs and low lows so I'm hoping that even though I had one of those extreme highs this past weekend, this coming week won't be another disappointment.

Highs & Lows

2011-02-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure where to even begin with this post. I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past few days and my thoughts are just all over the place right now.

I wish I could be writing about how much of an awesome time I'm having on my first week of exchange but for some reason I can't bring myself to say it because I don't truly feel 100% happy right now. And I'm feeling so ashamed and guilty that I'm not 100% happy because I feel like I should be having the time of my life, as everyone told me I would on exchange.

Don't get me wrong, I've been having some great times here making new friends from all around the world but I'm not truly clicking with that many people as I was hoping I would. Here's the strange thing that keeps happening to me that's never happened before: I'll meet a girl, she's really nice and we hit it off, go out and have a great time hanging out, but then they seem kinda stand-offish the next time I see them! It's totally like the early stages of dating a guy whose just not that into you. What's weird is that these girls will approach me first and they'll invite me out but then after having a great time I don't hear from them, or if I contact them they just don't seem as enthusiastic about hanging out again.

I'm overly sensitive to this kind of stuff as you can probably tell by now. And another thing I'm super sensitive to is when people (girls and boys) seem uninterested. For instance, when I went out for aperitivo with those girls the other night, this one girl seemed totally uninterested in talking to me. Which shouldn't have been a huge deal since I was busy talking with all the other really nice girls but of course, I totally let it get to me. And tonight, when I went to the "welcome cocktail" for all the exchange students, I ran into ib#1. He came over to me, gave me the double-cheek kiss, and I talked to him for a tiny bit but then he was like, ah okay I'm gonna go look for my friends! I felt like he just couldn't wait to get away fast enough from me. I'm not even that interested in the guy but it wasn't so good for my self-esteem. It's always been in my nature to want to be liked by everyone, so I take it personally whenever someone doesn't seem to like me as much I expect them to (haha wow hopefully that didn't come off as too conceited!)

I guess I'm mostly feeling crappy because I've been putting myself out there but it's not always working out the way I'm wanting it to. What's funny is that at the cocktail event, a bystander would say that I had an awesome time because I was talking to so many people. I saw a lot of my friends at the event, was introducing friends to other friends...I was basically that social butterfly at the party that I've never been, and I wasn't even trying to be. But just because ib#1 seemed a little stand-offish and this other girl I knew from before kinda ignored me to talk more to her other friends, I let it affect my whole night. An otherwise very fun night.

And now the weekend is coming and I'm kinda freaking out to be honest. The two girls from my home country (M & H) are leaving for Florence tomorrow morning and so is my roommate with her boyfriend. I'm worried that I'm going to feel lonely here since I'm the closest to those three. Even though I'm having dinner tomorrow with a boy (not someone I'm interested in) and there's other friends here for the weekend, my self-esteem is just not where it could be right now for me to call up some friends and go out. Back home, I would normally spend half my weekend with friends and the other half with family (sometimes more). So it's making me feel extra homesick to know that I won't have that family time this weekend, or for the next 6 months. Hopefully I won't feel as lonely as I think I will this week! I'll update you all on how it goes, and I'll talk more about some of the other good stuff that happened that I didn't talk about today :)

Things Are Looking Up

2011-02-15T14:24:00.003-08:00

Wow, how things can change so quickly in just a matter of a day! In my last post, you noticed that I was pretty down and feeling kinda crappy about living in the dorms here. But I realize now that I was a bit too quick to judge on certain aspects (or should I say people?) at my building.

Things started to improve that first night when I went to visit the 2 girls from my home country in their room. We spent hours just talking and hanging out, and it was such an cool, new experience for me because I've actually never been friends with anyone from my home country before (well okay there are some, but they're white-washed like me so I don't quite count it haha).

Anyways, the next day I had my first day of class and of course the Valentine's Day lunch with E. I arrived at our meeting place a little early and I was surprised to see that he was already there! I have to say, I didn't find myself that attracted to him when I first met him in Canada (I tend to not be attracted to really hot guys because I automatically think they're out of my league). But, when I saw him there waiting for me, I felt quite different about him this time! He looked even better than I had remembered, wearing perfectly tailored pants and a polo sweater and gave me a really nice smile.

Once we met, he asked me what I was in the mood for to eat. I said that I liked anything so he took me to this restaurant about 3 blocks away from the school. It was a charming little restaurant, nothing fancy but very classic Italian. I was expecting him to just take me to a small cafe for sandwiches so this was a nice surprise. I again felt that happy, jittery feeling I felt with ib1 when E started talking to the waiter for me in Italian and explaining everything to me on the menu. He's kind of a shy guy but to see him call for the really busy waiter with authority and talk in Italian was kinda hot I gotta admit haha!

In fact, I noticed he was much less shy compared to the first time I met him. He was a lot more talkative, laughed a lot, and even made a few jokes. As great of a time I was having with him, I was kind of hating the fact that I was enjoying it because I'm quite sure he has girlfriend (it's not quite obvious on his facebook, so it's hard to tell). I was also hating the fact that I felt like I was on a date but knew at the back of my mind that it wasn't really (just like how coffee was with ib1).

I had to get to my next class so we got the cheque and when I reached for my wallet, he told me, "oh no, don't worry!" It wasn't a cheap meal so I thought that was really nice of him. I love that all Italian boys do this! Back in Canada, if I have a platonic lunch with a male friend, I don't always expect the boy to pay because a lot of them think they don't have to if it's not an official date.

Anyways, on our way out, the waiter gave me a little chocolate saying, "happy San Valentino!" Even though I didn't spend Valentine's Day on a date with a special boyfriend or anything like that, it was still a decent way to spend the holiday because of the small gestures :)

E walked me to my class even though the building he had to go to was in a different direction. Even when we had to part ways, it felt like that part at the end of a date!! Like it was slightly awkward but he was smiling a lot and really sweet. But what disappointed me was that he didn't say, let's meet up again, or anything like that. He just said: "please write to me whenever you need anything/want to ask me something!"

I felt like throughout the whole lunch, we were both being really cautious about overstepping any boundaries. I'm even cautious to define it as an actual friendship because I feel like it's still more of an "exchange student helper" friendship. I noticed that when we were talking about Korean food, he said something like: "Ah yes I really wanted to try Korean food! I know there might be a few in Milan, I will take.." I'm about 90% sure he was going to say, I'll take you to a korean restaurant someday, but he trailed off and unsurely didn't finish the sentence for some reason! There was a lot of that going on throughout lunch because we're both a bit shy haha. I might just have to go on to the next one, unless any of you have any suggestions on how to deal with a shy Italian boy who might have a girlfriend.

After lunch, I met a few more cool people in class. One guy, a cute Canadian, turned around and introduced himself to me so we talked for a bit. That's one thing I've been noticing here on my exchange: I'm getting approached more often by guys (and not just Italians) in all types of situations. Normally, I only ever get approached by girls so I'm trying to figure out if I'm doing something different here. At orientation for example, another guy (a very handsome MBA exchange student who was half American and half Indian) approached me and when there was a break he bought me coffee at a cafe in our school. He asked for my number and told me he would text me as soon as he got an Italian phone, BUT I realized the next day I gave him the wrong number! I'm worried that he'll think I'm ignoring him, so I'm hoping I'll run into him at the cocktail event for students this Thursday (I'm doubtful though).

Other than the boys, I've been meeting some nice girls too. Last night I went to aperitivo with a big group of girls and tomorrow night I'll be going to my first club in Italy. That'll be quite interesting I think haha. Ciao for now :)

Valentine's Day Lunch & Dorm Life

2011-02-13T04:17:00.002-08:00

Dessert from the last dinner with my parents!

So my parents finally left today and I'm fully moved into my dorm room now after staying at the hotel for a few days. It was really strange saying bye to my parents today, a mixture of sadness, homsickness, and anxiety! I've never been apart from them for so long so I'm hoping that I'll quickly learn how to survive without them.

As for my dorm? Well...my building isn't as social as I thought it would be, and neither is my roommate. She's a nice girl (from the same school as me in Canada) but I can tell that she's the shy, quiet type and not a hard-core partier-- which comes with its pros and cons. She came here with her boyfriend, so from what I can tell she's spent most of her time with him and hasn't really met other people.

To be completely honest, I've spent about a few hours here in my dorm and I already don't like it. It's harder to meet people in this quiet building, as compared to the orientation/welcome events where I had no problem meeting a lot of cool exchange students. About 10% of the exchange students in my building seem like either 24/7 party people and the other 90% are shut-ins who barely come out of their rooms! If you look at my hallway right now, it's completely dead. Thankfully I met these two other girls yesterday who come from the same country I was born in, and I found out that they're living in the same place as me. I talked to them on the phone just now and they told me they were at church so I'll just have to wait for them haha.

I feel like there's so many other people in this building in the same boat as me but it's really quite difficult to initiate contact, unless I just go knocking on each person's door! It's noon right now and I'm wondering where I'll eat dinner and who I'll eat with. I certainly don't want to eat by myself in my room (the easy option) so I'm hoping the 2 girls or my roommate will be free.

Basically, I'm feeling lonely right now. Agh that was hard for me to even write. I was feeling really excited and pumped when I was at the orientation a few days ago because it was so easy to meet really great people (many of who unfortunately don't live in my dorm) and I was feeling like, "phew I had nothing to be nervous about!" But now that my parents have left and I've moved into the old, quiet dorm, I'm just feeling kinda down right now. It's such an icky feeling, so I'm hoping that this goes away quickly.

Anyways, I know tomorrow things will be better since it's my first day of classes and I'll be having lunch with another Italian boy. I know him from back when I was in Canada, he was an exchange student at my school and he was assigned to me in this "Exchange Student Buddy Program" that I volunteer for every year. Usually I meet the students several times and become quite good friends with them but we only met once and he didn't respond to one of my emails back then so I just figured that he didn't want to become friends. But then he added me on Facebook in December and told me to message to him when I arrived in Milan so that he could be my "buddy." I didn't message him when I arrived since I still wasn't sure if he actually wanted to meet up but then he messaged me a few days ago asking me if I was in Italy yet!

This guy is very good looking, even for Italian boy standards (but I'm about 90% sure he has a girlfriend). He looks kind of like a younger, more handsome version of Roger Federer but he's also a bit shy, as he admitted to me when we first met, which surprised me because he looks like one of those intimidating model types. Anyways he asked me if I was free on Monday and I said that I was before my 2:30 class. So he replied:

We could eat lunch out together at 1, if you want.
We could go to one of the several places near the University.
Let me know!

So the plans were confirmed but then I suddenly realized today that Monday is friggin Valentine's Day! I'm pretty sure he didn't realize this, but then again it's not dinner- just lunch so I know it's not a big deal. But I can totally imagine getting a text from him Monday morning saying: "oh no! sorry I forgot it was valentine's day today! I have to buy a gift for my girlfriend, can we meet some other day?" So I guess I'll see what happens tomorrow haha. This guy is much less flakey than ib#1 so I'm a little less inclined to think he'll cancel last minute.

I gotta say, I feel a lot better right now. It feels good to admit my loneliness and writing about my plans for tomorrow has me in a bit of a better mood. And plus I just got a text from the two girls inviting me to their room for ice cream haha.

Here's to hoping things just keep moving up from here in terms of meeting more friends in my dorm (and meeting more Italian boys, of course ;).

Cigarettes and Cappuccinos with Italian Boy #1

2011-02-11T16:07:00.002-08:00

Just a very Italian vintage photo to go with this post.

No, I don't smoke cigarettes, but I did have cappuccinos with Italian Boy #1 (the one I was supposed to meet the other day) and he smoked haha. I'm not quite sure what to call this since it wasn't really a date, so I'll call it a "meeting".

After I didn't hear from Italian Boy #1 (ib1) the day we were supposed to meet, I decided to temporarily forget about him until 11 pm the next day when I got a text from him:

"Hi! I did my exam today, so now I'm finally free. If u want, tomorrow from 3pm I'll be at school! And tonight, I'll be going to a club/lounge that's close to the school. If u want to come c u there!

I couldn't help but laugh when I first read this text. It's like he completely ignored the fact that he didn't contact me the other day and now he was inviting to a bar that night. At 11:21 pm. Normally if this was back in Canada I would've been pretty annoyed and ignore the guy but I had heard that this can be quite common in Italy (even in the business world, according to my dad!) so I decided to give him another chance.

We decided on a tentative time and place to meet at the school but I decided that I would plan my day as if I wasn't going to see him (since for all I knew, I might not hear from him again)! Lo and behold, 3 pm came and went and I didn't hear from him. Which was fine this time since I was just out shopping with my parents the whole day and almost 90% expected not to see him that day. But then I got a text from him at 4 pm:

"Mm I know it's really late but I was so busy b/c I was in a meeting for the exchange program! Anyway, now I'm free. Let me know what you are up to and if you're free! kisses."

I had to go to school again at some point this week to print some forms so I thought ah why not. We finally met face-to-face later that afternoon. He was 15 min late but I would consider that on-time by the Italian clock haha.

He looked exactly as I was expecting from the facebook pictures (maybe a bit cuter in person) and although he dropped the ball so many times with his flakiness, he was actually a genuinely great guy and was super friendly. He took me to a cute outdoor cafe near the campus. It was one that I had passed by many times but had never been to because I was always intimidated by the big groups of attractive Italian students all socializing there. Even though I still felt like an outsider sitting in that outdoor cafe with itb1, it finally hit me that, wow I'm actually in ITALY with an Italian boy right now, isn't this what I was dreaming about months ago?

Ib1, an MBA student at my school, was really outgoing and very easy to talk to so the conversation went really well. Even though it wasn't a date, I couldn't help but feel like I was! I just loved that he talked to the waiter in rapid Italian and ordered for me (after I told him what I wanted). And later when the cheque came he took it quickly and got out his wallet. When I did the whole wallet grab routine, he did this really cute thing of pretending to hide the cheque and saying, "huh what cheque? I don't know where it is!... Haha, in Italy the boy always pays when we are out with a girl." He said this with his charming Italian accent and a really sweet smile, cigarette in hand, and I was like putty haha.

It had been about an hour and he told me apologetically that he had another meeting to go to, which was okay since I had to be on my way as well. Even though his meeting was on a different side of the campus he insisted on walking me to the taxi stop. He asked me where exactly I had to go and made the effort of hailing a cab for me, opening the car door, and telling the cab driver where I was going. The whole time I told him that I could just find a taxi on my own since I didn't want to make him late for his meeting but he was insistent. And I have to say that I absolutely loved that he did that. A really small gesture but still, it just reminded me how the Italians sure know how to treat the ladies, even when it's not a date.

He did the double kiss before I got into the car (something that will take A LOT of getting used to for me since I'm a big "personal space" kind of person haha) and he said, "let's keep in touch okay? Ciao!"

So that was that. An iffy start initially but in the end I'm really glad I met him. I'm not sure if he's someone I would see as more than just a friend quite yet but I'll see how it goes from here since I don't know if he'll even contact me again. What are your thoughts on this "meeting"?

P.s. I realize that my whole first week of exchange sounds like I just met 1 flakey Italian boy but I promise I will update on more! Overall I think it's safe to say that I had nothing to be nervous about because I'm meeting so many great people from all around the world (including 1 more cute boy who I will talk about in another post ;)

1 Overly Sensitive Girl in Milan!

2011-02-07T14:02:00.003-08:00

Finally I have some down time to write a new post! Even though not much has happened (I've been staying with my parents for the first few days), I already felt like I was "tested" today.. and I didn't like it one bit!

Much of today was spent running across the city doing things like applying for my permit of stay, signing my residence contract, choosing a cell phone plan etc. This might not seem like much to most 20 year olds but it kinda was for me because I've always been this 'sheltered, only child" which is something that I'm always slightly ashamed to admit. My dad, who is a very loving father but also a protective one, has pretty much always done and paid everything for me.

So today when I had to go to the international student desk, my dad came with me and he insisted we bring the head of the office (a lady we met in the summer) a small gift. We went, and she was kind of cold to us (I don't think she even remembered that we had an appointment with her) but as soon as my dad gave her the gift she turned into the nicest person in the world haha.

After I signed the contract, we left and i had to walk to the post office to get a permit of stay form. After walking and waiting forever, lo and behold, the 20 page form was all in Italian so I couldn't understand anything. So we went back to the international student desk to ask them for some help. But when I got to the 'gift nice' lady's desk she told me that their office hours were over. I was about to timidly turn right around but somehow decided I would at least try quickly asking her this 5 second question ("does an english form exist?") since I had walked 15 blocks and i knew my dad would criticize me for being too shy if I didn't even try. When I asked her if I a quick question was okay, she told me to ask the lady next to her b/c it was under her field. When I turned to that lady, she just looked at me and said "respect our office hours, come back tomorrow."

Sure maybe I was totally in the wrong, but as a very sensitive person, this just made me feel so dumbstruck and l felt like a 10 year old kid getting scolded by the teacher. I know it must seem stupid to get hurt over something so minute but ever since I was a little, I've always been weirdly sensitive to comments like this. I was feeling so dumb and down as I walked out the office, only to run into another int'l desk employee. He saw me standing there and asked me if I had a question. I told him I did but that I knew his office hours were done so I would come back tomorrow. He told me,

"oh haha just ask! It's no problema! Feel free to always knock on my door even if hours are finished!"

This was more the type of response I (wrongfully) expected to hear from the other 2 ladies. I was feeling better after the guy kindly explained it to me, but was still feeling like that 10 year old kid.

What's funny is that this experience isn't all that different from my other encounters with Italians: most of the men (of all ages) are incredibly friendly to me, but many of the women (of course not all) are not as nice to me. Maybe it's the fact that Italian women are generally quite confident and strong and I just don't have the tough skin to quite handle it.

Side note: When I sat exhausted in the taxi with my parents , I had to say to myself, "don't let this city (and the women) kick your ass" haha.

Anyways, sorry for such a negative post but I knew I'd feel better if I wrote about it! After getting through this day, what I've learned is that I need to become a stronger person and not let things like this affect me so negatively. Other than that, I've generally been having a great time here in Milan enjoying long Italian dinners with my parents and planning trips with my friends all across Europe (a flight to Paris from here is only 95€)!

*ps: It'll be too much to write about in this post but in the next one I'll be talking about one charming Italian boy from my school who asked me if I wanted to meet with him for coffee (but it's not quite a "coffee date")

If you managed to read through this boring and overly sensitive post, thanks for listening haha and please update me on your daily lives! :)

My bags are packed!

2011-02-03T23:27:00.001-08:00

The day is finally here! I'm feeling a tiny bit sad right now because I've never been apart from my friends, family, and my dog (pictured above with me haha) for this long. As childish as this'll make me sound, I'm really thankful that my parents are coming with me to Italy for the first few days (my dad has to go there for a business trip so my mom is coming along). As much as they get on my nerves sometimes, I know I'll miss them.

The main thing that's on my mind right now is what kinds of friends I'll make while I'm there. I'm hoping that at least some of the exchange students in my rez building aren't just crazy partiers. As much as I like going out with friends and having a good time, I'm not the hardcore partying type and I often don't mesh well with people like that (and I'm pretty sure they would consider me boring hah). I was telling my best guy friend on skype today: "Agh what if all the exchange students are those stylish, beautiful European types?! I'm scared to even say HI to those types of people!" What's funny is that I'm generally pretty good at meeting new people, but for some reason, I'm unreasonably nervous about this.

In the midst of all this worrying, I got a text today from a guy who was in one of my classes last year (I'll call him the Russian, because he was born there). Basically, he sat next to me every class and I was friendly back to him. I THOUGHT it was all just friendly, but he asked me out for a movie as soon as the course ended. Even though I wasn't interested him at all I didn't want to be mean so I just said, oh I'm really busy this month but I'll let you know when I'm less busy. I never msged him back but he would keep texting me every few weeks asking if I wanted to come to his friend's party, then to his new year's eve party at this really nice hotel, then another movie. Most guys would've gotten the hint by now if I said no and just ignored some msgs but the Russian definitely didn't pick up on the subtle (and growingly obvious) hints.

I had deleted his # from my phone because I was getting annoyed but that was such a stupid idea on my part because today I got a text from him that just said, "Hey." First of all, who sends a text that just says HEY? This was the first time he texted me in about a month, so I didn't even know who it was. I responded, "hi who is this?" And this is what he said:

"It's [his name]. Hmmm I see you don't have my # saved in your phone :)"

Yea, super uncomfortable. He thankfully didn't ask me out again this time, so I think it's safe to finally say that he's gotten the hint now. Maybe I could've been much more direct with him but I mean, it's never nice to have to tell a guy, sorry I'm just not interested in you!

So that was that. Now I'm on my couch, too anxious to go to the bed yet. It's weird to think that in just 1 day I'll be waking up in a different country, in my new second home! It's really corny but I decided that I'll have a "motto" for this semester abroad (I swear I don't make up mottos on a regular basis haha): "I won't let Milan kick my ass." Basically it's a promise to myself that if I start feeling overwhelmed or stressed while I'm in Milan, or if I feel homesick, I'll just think of that phrase. We'll see how well that works :P

I'll update you guys when I arrive in Italy!

"You're going to find a boy in Italy!"

2011-01-31T23:34:00.000-08:00

The above phrase is something that's been said to me over and over again by people when I tell them that I'm leaving for Italy (in just 3 days now!) for exchange. I noticed it the most today when a new, very cute co-worker mentioned it on my last shift at work today.

The place I work at (and by work I mean more volunteer because it's not a paid job) has a lot of guys who are planning on or applying to be police officers. Which means that a lot of these guys are very decent! They're mature, nice guys who are fun to hang out with-- and some of them are veryy good looking as well. This new co-worker was all of the above.

I tend to be quite shy around new people so he was the first to introduce himself and start the conversation. I instantly felt comfortable talking to him for some reason (even if I still had that jittery feeling I get when I talk to cute guys). Anyways, when he had heard that I leaving for Italy he asked me lots of questions about it. Asking me where I would be living, if I was traveling anywhere else in Europe, etc...He just genuinely seemed interested in everything I had to say and the whole time he just had the cutest smile on his face. Then, he added:

"Well you're probably going to find some handsome Italian boy while you're there!" with a smile. A part of me was secretly hoping that this was a slightly flirty comment on his part but then I was also reminded that I had heard this from SO many others as well (including my female boss who jokingly said that I probably wouldn't be coming back because I'd get married to an Italian guy while I'm there).

I know it's irrational but after hearing this so many times because "they'll be all over a cute girl like you!" I can't help but feel pressured by this. I feel like if I don't meet some Italian boys and have a fling or something, I'll feel like it will almost be a failure on my part. Almost like, wow if I can't find a guy while I'm in one of the most romantic countries with some of the most charming men I REALLY can't find a guy!

Anyways, cute co-worker and I continued to talk throughout the shift and after talking about Italy we started to get to know each other like where we were born and where we grew up. I couldn't help but feel those little sparks and butterflies that I didn't really feel with NZ, even though cute co-worker could've just been making friendly conversation. When it was time for me to leave he jokingly asked me to bring something back for him, and he said this in the cutest way. Then he said "well I'll see you when you're back" and as I was leaving through the door we exchanged another smile and I just felt something because he looked right in my eyes as he did it. It's really hard to explain this without making myself sound like a crazy girl blowing things way out of proportion but sometimes you just feel something just from a quick glance.

Unfortunately, as always with my bad luck (and bad timing) with boys, I happened to meet this new co-worker on my last shift and won't be seeing him for at least another 6 months so I'll have to forget about him temporarily..

Have any of you ever experienced something similar to this where you just feel this surprising spark, even it was just over casual conversation?

New Zealand Boy (Part II)

2011-01-30T21:41:00.000-08:00

I said I would continue my story on NZ, so I'll start with the second date. This date started off not so good when we were texting each other to make plans. He texted me the day before and asked where we should meet. When I suggested downtown (my neighborhood) again, he replied:

"Or, have you ever ventured over the bridge to [his neighborhood]?"

I told him that I had many times for school but that I didn't feel like bussing there (even though it was only a 15 min bus ride I felt that that as the guy, he should be coming to see me- not vice versa). Then he replied:

"Aw haha okay. Where should we go? We could go to (bar xyz), ever been there?"

Now this is where things went a little wrong. I hadn't heard of the bar so I googled it and found out it was in HIS neighborhood!! When I told him that I knew where it was, he was like "oh darn I was hoping you didn't know :P haha it's really nice, and it's right by house." At this point I was getting kind of annoyed and it just so happened that at that moment my friends called me to tell me that I should come out to a club with them tomorrow night. I reallyy wanted to go and I knew that it would be one of our last nights going out partying together before I leave for Italy so I decided that I would ditch NZ (I know, totally rude to ditch him but keep in my mind that I was kind of annoyed with him).

So I told him that I wasn't free the next day after all and he replied:
"Is this because I wanted you to come to my neighborhood? :( I can come over to downtown tonight instead if you want?"

I wasn't really doing much that night so I decided to meet him last minute at a casual bar near my place. Despite what went down before, this date went pretty well. I was feeling more chemistry with him and I just felt more comfortable around him. One thing I noticed though was that there were a couple awkward silences this time unlike the 1st date and I attributed this to the fact that we have very little in common.

But other than that, it was a decent 2nd date. Hilarious side note: Our waiter, who was very handsome and definitely gay, was flirting with NZ the whole night (I don't think the waiter ever even looked at me that whole night haha). I know it's completely silly but seeing a very good looking gay waiter flirt with NZ made me a little more attracted to him!

After drinks, NZ walked me home again. I was pretty nervous as we got closer to my house to be perfectly honest because I knew he was expecting a good night kiss. The last time I had kissed a guy was when I was 17 so I was totally feeling like an insecure (and inexperienced) 13 year old girl.

When we got to the front my apartment, we made some small talk and then right before we parted ways we kissed. The first peck was really awkward and short, and he asked if he could "have a little more" (I'm feeling awkward even writing about this right now). The second kiss was much less awkward and it was kind of sweet but again just a peck. There were three main reasons I couldn't just make out with him:
1. I had never made out with a guy EVER so I was scared that I would be a bad kisser!
2. I was worried that my very polite and nice doorman would be able to see us awkwardly making out outside from his desk.
3. I was worried that my parents would just happen to look out their window from the 8th floor and witness EVERYTHING.

So I stepped back from him and mumbled something like "some other night?" He looked disappointed but reluctantly said good night.

As I walked back into my apartment, I couldn't help but hate the fact that all this awkwardness and my fears were all because of my lack of experience with the opposite sex. I just desperately wished that I was that girl who had had multiple boyfriends by now and was "experienced" like all my friends.

I still have these thoughts but many of those insecurities all changed on the big 3rd date, which was a very pivotal day for me because it was when I went over to his place. I'll talk about that date in the next blog post! P.s. What are all your thoughts on the whole text message exchange? Was I wrong to be annoyed with him or was it wrong for him to keep asking me to come to his neighborhood?

Eye flirting

2011-01-28T00:20:00.000-08:00

I was at a really nice restaurant the other day (pictured above) with my parents for dinner. The first thing you notice about this place is the people: young, beautiful couples in stylish clothes and lots of very important-looking business men sipping wine talking about stocks and bonds.

When I went to our table, I noticed a man in a business suit at the table right next to ours glance over at me. He was probably in his early 40's but he was VERY good looking. Even though I'm only 20, I can totally appreciate the charisma of a good looking, older man- but I would obviously never act on it of course!

Anyways, this suit was at his table eating with 4 other men and it looked like it was a business dinner. He was insanely handsome but I just thought, "wow who is that man.. ah he's probably just looking for the waitress." But to my surprise, all throughout the 4-course dinner, he kept purposely looking my way. At first I thought I was imagining it and that maybe he was looking at something behind me but after about the 5th time I figured out what was going on!

At first his glances were short and expression-less, but then the gazes got a little longer and then he started to show a bit of a smile whenever he looked. Now keep in mind, I'm still at the table with my two parents (who were faced away from him) so I couldn't exactly just smile back. But I did sneak in a slight smile every now and then whenever our eyes met at the same time. This happened back and forth maybe every 5 minutes throughout dinner.

It might've been a bit weird to "eye flirt" with a man who was probably 20 years my senior, but it was harmless and makes dinner with the parents a little more bearable haha. Just the thought of knowing that such a good looking man was distracted by me (?!) during his business meeting was a bit of a confidence booster I'll admit ;)

At the end of the dinner when we got up from the table to leave, he really looked at me this time and gave me a quick but very charming smile. I tried to smile with my eyes as much as possible (as Tyra Banks would say) and then turned around to follow my parents out.
Ah I cannot wait until I'm in my late 20's or 30's when it will no longer be inappropriate to actually flirt with good looking business men!

New Zealand Surfer Boy (Part I)

2011-01-26T22:06:00.000-08:00

So as I talked about in my previous blog post, I recently gave online dating a try. I downloaded this iPhone "flirting" app and within a few hours I was getting messages from a variety of guys. I was actually pleasantly surprised by how normal and good looking most of the guys were and most of them were all within my age range. I even received messages from a few guys from my university.

One of the greatest things about online dating that I discovered is that, as someone who doesn't get approached that often at bars or at school, I was getting a lot of messages from guys who I would've never thought would approach me in real life. A lot of them were guys that I would've considered way out of my "league" if I ever saw them out at a bar. There were quite a number of handsome, funny (and not crazy) guys who asked me out, but I decided to meet just one: a surfer who recently moved from New Zealand and was here working as an IT guy.

I wasn't sure what it was about this guy (who I will abbreviate as NZ) that stood out from the rest, but I decided to yes when he asked me out for drinks. I was kind of nervous the day of the date. This was HUGE for me because of two things: I had never met anyone from online and I had never really been on a real, official first date before.

So I met NZ at a bar/restaurant in my neighborhood and when I first saw him sitting at the table, my first thought was, WOW this guy is good looking. He doesn't look like your typical blonde surfer, he had dark brown hair and he was very handsome in a masculine way (add to that he had that charming New Zealand accent!). And the date actually went really well. I could tell what type of guy he was within minutes: athletic, loved being outdoors, and was just the chill type who likes to drink beers. After drinks, we walked out and he offered to walk me home (even though it was 10 blocks out of his way!). But, during this walk, I noticed something: he was actually VERY short. I'm 5'4 and he was the exact same height as me. I've never been that picky about height but I'd be lying if I said that I was a bit disappointed. When it was time to part ways he did this really cute thing of putting his hands through the inside of my coat when he went to hug me (haha sorry if that made no sense whatsoever). He sort of went in for a kiss but I didn't feel quite ready so I just gave him a hug.

After I got home, I got a text from him about 10 minutes later:

"hey, was nice seeing you tonight. I think I forgot to say that I would love to meet up again sometime really soon."
I replied saying that it would be nice to meet up again and I added that since I was getting my wisdom teeth out the next day that I would text him when I felt ready to leave the house.

He replied to this saying: "okay because the truth is, I kinda wanted to kiss you tonight to see what it'd be like to kiss a cute (*my nationality*) girl :P So let's hope for a speedy recovery!"

Now although I found this text kinda cute, I also found it a bit weird and awkward too. My reaction to this text stems a lot from the fact that I've met many guys who have "asian fetishes". This annoys me to no end and it's usually a deal breaker for me (more on this in a future blog post) but I decided to not think of it too much b/c he did say my nationality and not just "asian."

Three days later I got another text from him asking me how I was feeling after getting my wisdom teeth out. He wanted to see if I wanted to go out again the next week so we agreed on a day. By now, I knew that he was definitely interested in me since he did the whole follow-up thing very well but I was actually not 100% sure if I was that into him (even though I was attracted to him) so I wanted to see how I would feel on the 2nd date. I'll talk about dates #2 and #3 in my next post. These dates were quite...interesting, for lack of a better word!

Single Life

2011-01-25T19:52:00.001-08:00

The topic of being single will probably be what my blog will largely revolve around because it's something that's usually on my mind A LOT (as much as I try not to!). Basically I have always been the single girl, never had a boyfriend ever in my 20 years of living. I'm not the type of girl that absolutely needs a boyfriend to be "happy" but I'd be lying if I said that it hasn't bothered me.

Something you should know about me is that I've always been a bit shy. Not the anti-social type who hates going out but the type that won't easily open up to a big crowd of strangers at a party. I think my shyness has had a lot to do with my single status but it's definitely something that's lessened over the years, especially ever since I started college.

But still, my main problem is this: I rarely get approached by guys (at parties, bars, or just at school in general), and the few who have asked me out are guys that I have had zero interest in. Great guys, but just not people I could see myself dating. And the guys that I have had a mutual attraction with have been your typical college boys who just want something quick.

SO, after getting increasingly frustrated, I randomly decided to try online dating a few weeks ago (actually it was a free iPhone application haha). The results were actually much better than I had anticipated and the guys who were messaging me were actually really decent, good-looking guys (many of whom I would've never imagined would approach me at a bar). I'll be talking about the one guy from New Zealand who I met through the site tomorrow in my next blog post :)

Why blog now?

2011-01-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

I created this blog a while ago but only made one boring post and completely forgot about it. But after years of reading other people's awesome blogs, I want to give it a try- mainly just so for selfish reasons. I've always joked to my friends that I've always wanted a therapist just so I could have someone to vent to and spill all my petty little problems to (but my three best friends have always been there for that, so I'm very grateful that I have 3 therapists who I never need to pay fees for!). So I think having my own blog is the next best thing to a therapist.

Joking aside, I think it would it be nice to have a space where I can articulate my thoughts during a very pivotal year for me. I'm going to Milan, Italy for exchange in just 2 weeks now and I'll be there on my own for 6 whole months studying at a university there. As a spoiled only child whose lived with her parents for almost all her life, this will be quite the transition for me so having a blog might be nice to keep my (many) thoughts in order and not get too off-track.

I was going to write a quick blurb about myself, but I figure very few (if not zero) people are reading this right now so I'll stop my first official blog post here. Tomorrow I'll start writing about my dating life and uh, how I have very little experience with it.

Italy.

2010-09-03T22:50:00.001-07:00

There are certain places in the world that whenever I think back to my time there, I can instantly recapture and remember how happy I was being there. Italy is definitely one of those places.